Olympic Grilling in 2008

The grilling of meat should be an Olympic event. It was an event in the first Olympics so what the fuck happened? Don’t believe me? How about it was the very first Olympic event. All those other games were just invented so Greeks would have something to do that wasn’t each other while they ate their Olympically cooked meat. That may sound stupid, but you have to remember a man just said it — therefore, it isn’t.

I can name five Olympic sports right off the top of my head that have less merit than the sport of grilling: women’s basketball, women’s swimming, women’s football, women’s boxing, and women’s fuck-off’ing, which I invite all women reading this to get gold medals in.

Women’s Olympic Grilling? Women can’t grill. They wouldn’t even pretend to. You know why women can’t grill? Because it’s easy. It takes a lot of time and occasionally a grillman has to deal with some inclement weather, but at the end of the day it’s very easy.

Women can’t do anything easy.

Women are such goddamn martyrs everything they do has to be done the hard way. That’s why they’re always involved in drama and sexual harassment at work. They orchestrate that type of shit like work is their personal dollhouse.

That’s also why it takes women an hour and a half to get ready. They’ve taken all the simplicity that is shower, shave, brush teeth; and turned it into some kind of manufacturing fucking nightmare. Secretly watch a woman get ready sometime. It’s not perverse if it’s in the name of science. I shit you not they will just sit on the side of the bathtub for like ten minutes staring into fucking space. Or don’t even be secretive about it. Just bust down a door when your woman is getting ready and catch her red handed. It’s your fucking house. Do whatever the fuck you want. You’re a man.

Here’s something else about showering. If I had to use a contraption called a hair straightener or a hair unstraightener or whatever it’s called, and I knew every day it took about ten minutes to warm up, do you know what I would do? I would plug it the fuck in before I started showering, not after. Actually, that would still force me to wait for 8 and a half minutes so I guess I would just never unplug the thing — or I would shave my head.

Women turn everything they touch into a complex fucking nightmare. Look at their shoes for fuck’s sake. If aliens saw what women wore on their feet, they would have to assume ours is a species of bird or maybe we have wheels on our hands. The point is nothing would choose to walk on spikes of wood all day. Japanese game shows don’t even make people do that.

Meat, fire, and a poking stick? That’s a woman’s worst nightmare; and by that I mean it’s so perfect and manly that it can’t be complicated into oblivion. Grilling is invincible to women and their bullshit.

And so are men. That’s why the economy runs despite women and their incompetence, that’s why governments maintain peace and prosperity despite women and their precious fucking voting, which they always fuck up and just vote with their sexual organs anyway. And that’s why people don’t starve to death, because men invented grilling.

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