Ask Dick: Should Women Be In the Marines?

To me, the Marine Corps was the toughest branch in the military where only America’s top 1% earn the honor of being called Marine. Now women and their “equal oppurtunity bullshit” can earn this prestige. They shouldnt. They don’t do pull-ups like the men do, instead they do an arm hang, and their run time can be slower all because they’re not built like men. Even the women in our administration fuck shit up. I believe i just lost a shit load of man points for complaining but my question is, Should women be allowed in not just the Marine Corps but any branch of military?

Thanks for the question, Manly in the Marines, but my answer may surprise you.

Yes. Women should be in the Marines.

Dealing with women wanting stupid things is like spilling shit all over yourself while you’re driving. If you want to make it way worse, just flail around and grab at things to stop the mess. While you’re distracted by globs of catsup running into the cracks of your leather upholstery, you will either wreck your fucking car or something else will spill.

Unmanly.

Driving and women are exactly the same in this respect, just like they are in all respects. Both are expensive as fuck and after a while of doing it every day, it starts to get tedious. That means it’s time to check out the financing options on those 08 models.

Women wanting to be in the Marines is stupid, but dealing with it is as simple as dealing with women in general. Just give them exactly what they want.

When I was much younger, I saw a cartoon about a child caught smoking. Thankfully, the child was caught by his father. If his mother had caught him, she might have taken it upon herself to enact some discipline and she most certainly would have fucked that up. The boy’s father sat the child down and forced him to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. Actually, I think it was Donald Duck that did this.

The point is, the best way to discipline a child is figuratively (and sometimes literally) knock the ingratitude out of it. You want to know what smoking is like? Here, smoke this hockey puck sized hunk of tar and shut the fuck up.

Manly.

Do women have a place in the marines? Jesus Fuck, no! Women have no place in anything where incompetence doesn’t equal results. That means women have no place anywhere except attracting a mate. Men are suckers for damsels in distress. We respect honesty in a life partner and realize sub-man-consciously that women who constantly fuck up are merely being as honest with you as you are with them. No one can fault women for their incompetence.

We can’t fault women for sticking their fat feet in the Marines either. It’s our fault for inventing satellites and wrist communicators to make up for women’s cartographically challenged shit-brains and their inability to communicate simply and efficiently. It’s our fault for keeping the world so fucking safe for the last 50 years women got the idea to join The Army. They’re doing it for no other reason than to prove something to themselves and that’s bullshit. Any female Marine who says she’s joining up for the right reasons is full of monkey shit. The right reasons are honor and country and the protection of liberties. FeMarines wouldn’t know the right reasons for war if they walked right up and offered to help her carry something heavy — something like her gun.

It’s our fault as men this happened. That means it’s our responsibility to end it, just like we did with slavery. Fortunately it’s easy. Take a lesson from Donald Duck. We just have to make women smoke a fucking full pack of Marines.

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