The Wife Contract. Absolute Perfection

Is it so fucking crazy to have some expectations of your spouse? Or is that the pedophilia of the twenty-first century?

Actually, I guess it is. That explains why so many women-teachers are getting away with molesting thirteen year olds. Women molest kids. Women have all kinds of crazy expectations from their spouses.

Apparently, they’re one in the same.

Here are some female type crazy expectations just off the top of my head.

1. Husbands are expected to buy a house for their princess before the age of 35. Before his age of 35. Hers is irrelevant.
2. Husbands are expected to maintain an erection over a manatee that was once a beautiful young woman and has since racked them up a five figure mortgage payment.
3. Husbands are expected to keep their mouths shut when women open theirs and add another shovelful of dung onto the “Top 10 Dumbest Things Said of All Time” list. Fuck you.

If you ask me, those are some crazy expectations. Here comes the zinger.

There’s a new trend that I am behind five hundred thousand percent. It’s called the “Wife Contract”. I like to imagine it like a pre-nuptial agreement on steroids, but it’s really much more. It’s much more like a marriage counselor on steroids.

Have any of you ever been to a marriage counselor? I’m guessing yes, because you’re here and that means you have a problem putting up with mouth-nonsense just because it’s coming out of a sex-toy. Seriously though, answering woman with anything other than, “you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” is demeaning. It’s disingenuous. As a man, you have to admit that.

Marriage counselors are completely full of shit.

I have a friend who’s a marriage counselor. He’s a good guy. He’s quite rich and let me tell you something; he deserves every fucking penny of it. You know that feeling you get right when a woman leans forward like she’s about to say something. That’s his entire fucking job. That’s his life.

According to him, marriage problems are the woman’s fault 98% of the time. The remaining 2%, he says, are because of religious conflicts.

To be fair, I blame men for that. After all, is it not the job of a man somewhere to tell a woman what her religious beliefs are and make sure she understands how to regurgitate them? Is there even a religion where the main God is a woman? If there is, it’s the religion of Happy Hour at the Bar with the Hot Waitress. I think we’re on the same page here. The “Wife Contract” is merely an extension of this principle.

Travis Frey of Iowa, is facing kidnapping charges merely for doing what every man in the world wants: putting some “crazy expectations” of his own into writing and making his wife sign it. Crazy expectations like what I ask?

Be naked for at least 3 hours a day? Yes.
Be cheerful and adoring toward her husband? Yes.
Don’t be a condescending bitch? Well look at that. Yes.

Travis’ even got a fucking incentive program all built in! Described as Good Behavior Days, said wife can cash in on actions above and beyond the call of wifery whenever she pleases. It’s like getting frequent flier miles just for doing your goddamn job.

All women should be so lucky.

The Happy Marriage Blueprint

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