The Wife Contract. Absolute Perfection
Is it so fucking crazy to have some expectations of your spouse? Or is that the pedophilia of the twenty-first century?
Actually, I guess it is. That explains why so many women-teachers are getting away with molesting thirteen year olds. Women molest kids. Women have all kinds of crazy expectations from their spouses.
Apparently, they’re one in the same.
Here are some female type crazy expectations just off the top of my head.
1. Husbands are expected to buy a house for their princess before the age of 35. Before his age of 35. Hers is irrelevant.
2. Husbands are expected to maintain an erection over a manatee that was once a beautiful young woman and has since racked them up a five figure mortgage payment.
3. Husbands are expected to keep their mouths shut when women open theirs and add another shovelful of dung onto the “Top 10 Dumbest Things Said of All Time” list. Fuck you.
If you ask me, those are some crazy expectations. Here comes the zinger.
There’s a new trend that I am behind five hundred thousand percent. It’s called the “Wife Contract”. I like to imagine it like a pre-nuptial agreement on steroids, but it’s really much more. It’s much more like a marriage counselor on steroids.
Have any of you ever been to a marriage counselor? I’m guessing yes, because you’re here and that means you have a problem putting up with mouth-nonsense just because it’s coming out of a sex-toy. Seriously though, answering woman with anything other than, “you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” is demeaning. It’s disingenuous. As a man, you have to admit that.
Marriage counselors are completely full of shit.
I have a friend who’s a marriage counselor. He’s a good guy. He’s quite rich and let me tell you something; he deserves every fucking penny of it. You know that feeling you get right when a woman leans forward like she’s about to say something. That’s his entire fucking job. That’s his life.
According to him, marriage problems are the woman’s fault 98% of the time. The remaining 2%, he says, are because of religious conflicts.
To be fair, I blame men for that. After all, is it not the job of a man somewhere to tell a woman what her religious beliefs are and make sure she understands how to regurgitate them? Is there even a religion where the main God is a woman? If there is, it’s the religion of Happy Hour at the Bar with the Hot Waitress. I think we’re on the same page here. The “Wife Contract” is merely an extension of this principle.
Travis Frey of Iowa, is facing kidnapping charges merely for doing what every man in the world wants: putting some “crazy expectations” of his own into writing and making his wife sign it. Crazy expectations like what I ask?
Be naked for at least 3 hours a day? Yes.
Be cheerful and adoring toward her husband? Yes.
Don’t be a condescending bitch? Well look at that. Yes.
Travis’ even got a fucking incentive program all built in! Described as Good Behavior Days, said wife can cash in on actions above and beyond the call of wifery whenever she pleases. It’s like getting frequent flier miles just for doing your goddamn job.
All women should be so lucky.
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May 4th, 2006 at 10:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 1062a00a39b7e
Absolutely correct gentlemen. Can you believe the fantasy world in Fem’s brain when she says “And you wonder why women do not want to get married these days?”
Such a rich tableu of denial. A velvety vein of vapidness. Keep the delusion rolling because therapy is expensive.
May 4th, 2006 at 12:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1e9dacab61935
What DO women want, do they even know?
Too many women seem to want whatever the next bitch has, whether its her nice big house, SUV, same haircut/dress/handbag. They see men as a means to obtain these things.
As a consequence, men have lost interest. If women want to aimlesly walk around thinking “Yeah, my fake Prada bag is better than your fake Louis Vuitton bag hahaha” Fine, go ahead. Designer handbags are the very last thing men look for in a woman. (Oh and Fem, spare us the cleavage jokes here pls.)
So don’t ask us to pay for that manner of selfish bullshit.
Of course, not all women behave that way. Thank goodness for that. However, an increasing number are going down that road now. It’s disturbing, to say the least.
May 4th, 2006 at 3:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: ffdf937c0101a
Nice stereotyping Mike. Not every women considers Paris Hilton to be her idol. If you stopped being the designated shopping trolley for skanks, you’d realise that.
May 4th, 2006 at 3:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b9bf2830fd41
Why don’t you try asking them.
I’ll give you a clue…starts with e. Linked to respect.
May 4th, 2006 at 4:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: ffdf937c0101a
Please tell me James what the advantages to marriage are then? I will list off a couple of things that seriously shit me when I was in a De facto “marriage” which actually put me off getting married.
1. Clothes everywhere. Man doesn’t know what a warddrobe is for.
2. Man drops clothes on the floor, right next to the laundry hamper. That is correct. Right next to it. The hamper had no lid. Could he not have moved his arm to the left or right 10cms before releasing his grip? Apparently not.
3. Constant questioning, where have you been, who are you going out with etc etc.
4. Talking at me. Not to me, but at me. This one was significantly irritating.
5. Male resentment towards me because I earned more money than he did. And of course, I was expected to feel guilty and wrong for doing so and make it up to him by providing extra comfort (read that as sex)
6. Constant sexual demands. Constant groping, couldn’t walk past him without getting grabbed or pawed. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am far from frigid, but it gets a bit much when it is every single time you are talking to someone.
7. Had to counsel his mother. He refused to speak with her and everytime she rang, it fell on me to chat with her. For at least an hour at a time, while he watched sports.
8. Whinging at me to get married, fall pregnant etc etc. He was like 24 at the time, renting and there is no way in hell he could have afforded to support a family. Deluded.
These are just off the top of my head. If you’ve got a spare 5 hours, I’ll go through the rest.
May 4th, 2006 at 11:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: f2a1311f766b9
What do women want ……………”who cares”.
Got one of the guys giving you the rundown on this complex question.
Complex because even “wommyn” do not know what they want.
What wommin want
May 5th, 2006 at 10:08 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Survey says: Female doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about!
In a survey conducted last fall, the most common idol for girls under 13 was Paris Hilton.
-Dick
May 5th, 2006 at 11:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8e9a1ad81d97d
May 6th, 2006 at 1:29 am - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Well said Abaddon. I’ll add my 2 cents, since this is actually one of Female’s most intelligent posts of late.
Don’t be silly. Men know that wardrobes are antiques used to reach the mystical land of Narnia.
What Abaddon said. I make sure very expensive and dry-cleaned clothes are neatly hung/folded; the rest are placed appropriately. The floor is not a bad place, especially if it’s clean. This has the added bonus that if you spill some beer, there’s something nearby to soak it up. (OK, I’m kidding about the last).
Be grateful he altered his life to attempt to accommodate your strange “laundry hamper” fetish. Maybe he was tossing the clothes at the hamper and missed. Maybe he didn’t notice. The fact that he was consistently getting clothes within 10-20cm of your mystic “laundry hamper” when he previously presumably (like any sane man) tossed them wherever indicates he was meeting you far more than halfway.
He’s concerned for your safety, and, yes, possibly concerned and insecure about faithfulness. Be proactive, tell him. It’s legitimate to ask him the same questions, though you should tread lightly here and get him used to it slowly.
I think this is some strange female problem that can’t rationally be understood. If you mean he was condescending, then I suspect you were arrogant. Either that, or you chose the wrong man, but I’d put good money on it being in large part perception problems on your part. Seriously.
Sucks. Yep, he should be more secure, but, there are good evolutionary reasons for him to feel that way, and it comes down to a bad choice for you — and him.
Be grateful he was physically demonstrative. I’d again put good odds that you were sending him some very mixed signals.
If a woman I love — my wife in your example — walked near me, yes, I’d be physical. It certainly wouldn’t always be a “grope” or “paw” — though it might be now and then. It might be a caress of the neck, a stroke of her hair, touching the small of her back, or even ostentatiously smelling her perfume.
If that bothers you, then yes, I’d say most would describe you as frigid with issues. Whether or not they’d be right to do so is another matter.
This isn’t the biggest single reason to get married? Like it or not, women tend to handle the “relationship stuff” and men simply aren’t interested in hour-long chats with their mothers or anyone else. You were willing to, so it fell to you indeed. Maybe a wrong choice of man if you couldn’t say no to his mother, or maybe a problem you have. For him to take the path of least resistance on a relationship issue is hardly surprising.
Maybe he was insecure and wanted to tie you down. Maybe he wanted to draw you near the further you sought to push him away. Who cares. Again: BAD CHOICE OF MAN ON YOUR PART.
No, Female. Not unless you secure a book contract with a sizeable advance for our responses.
-wolfe
May 6th, 2006 at 2:52 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
I can’t believe how arrogant you men are. I must be an idiot to still be surprised at this.
1. When I get home from gym (after my FULL, yes you read that correctly, WORK, yes again, I did say work, DAY, yes 5 days a week) I too am exhausted and prefer to rip my clothes off and throw them on the floor. However, after that happens, amazingly, somehow I find the visual observation skills, intense concentration and physical strength to pick those clothes up and put them in my mystical hamper. Don’t ask me how, it’s a natural talent, I guess.
In response to your chauvinistic responses, why should I also be required to take up the man’s slack here and also pick up his clothes? Try and give me at least one non-misogynist reason. Let’s see if you can do at least that for once.
2. Yes, he did throw them at the hamper and he was a very bad shot. This is when he remembered a hamper existed. Mostly he just stepped out of them, wherever, kitchen, loungeroom, made no difference really. I guess he must have figured he was actually standing in the hamper when he was getting out of his clothes. I know you can’t read real good, but if you could, you would have realised I said, CLOTHES EVERYWHERE. My poor, neglected hamper.
3. Constant questioning. He was a journalist, so I forgave his daily inquisitions, however, you infer that I did give him my daily itinerary and this is why he questioned me. Not true, I told him where/when/who etc, it seems however that either he wasn’t listening when I did so, or as I suspect he was doing, was double-checking to see if my story changed.
This is definately an insecurity issue and it was unfounded. Warning for all you men out there incapable of trusting women - act like you can’t trust her and you may eventually find that you justifiably, cannot.
No suprises that that is your perception wolfe. I would be suprised if it wasn’t, and, you are wrong. When somebody ignores what you say and constantly interrupts you, this means they are speaking at you.
5. I agree, bad choice and so I did what all responsible women do, I ended it. And no, I did not cheat on him or use an excuse that I had. I told him honestly why this was never going to work and you know what, I severely regretted doing that afterwards. Men cannot handle the truth. The male ego at this stage of evolution just cannot take it.
6.
Like what, walking past him means I want him to rip his damn clothes off, throw them in the hamper and get busy wit it?
wolfe, you have described affectionate behaviours, I was talking about SEXUAL behaviours. There is a big difference. I am not so daft that I cannot tell the difference. I do not have a problem with what you have described, so sorry to disappoint but you would be wrong in thinking I am neurotic and frigid. What I have a problem with is no affectionate behaviours and all behaviours being sexual. I put this down to his age at the time, and his incredible libido. Which, one the one hand was fantastic and cannot be faulted, however, that also had a large downside.
Please. What, should I have been rude to her instead then? Don’t answer, I don’t want to hear your response, and neither do any publishers, it will just be condescending and way off the mark.
May 6th, 2006 at 11:11 am - IP Man-Hash: ddd2eb421ee3f
Well we already knew that. Fuck off you long winded harpy.
-Dick
May 6th, 2006 at 1:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6dbc505c2f114
Its pointless to talk to her isn’t it?
May 6th, 2006 at 2:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Pretty much says it all. She’s so tired after work that she waltzes off to the gym.
Sadly, yes. Good try though, abaddon.
-wolfe
May 6th, 2006 at 5:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
Enya, these men are a waste of time talking to. You will notice that they failed to answer my question. No suprise.
As for the comment about not being too tired to go to the gym, well, maybe I don’t get exhausted at work precisely because 1. I am fit and 2. I work smarter, not harder. But these points will be lost on you, I’m sure, seeing as your natural response to anything I say is to interpret it as meaningless dribble, so I’ll do you a favour, in future I’ll refrain from giving my long winded 2 cents on this humourless site.
May 6th, 2006 at 6:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6dbc505c2f114
Can’t say I didn’t try, I was honestly trying to show her a different side of things, however like always (as with many of you ladies out there) it turns into a battle…. oh well.
Strength and Honor
May 7th, 2006 at 12:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
Phoeey abaddon. Obviously I don’t like arguing but you were clearly both trying to change my mind and start a battle with me. e.g.
Mmmm, just like this one
And lastly:
Yeah, you’ve made me think. Seriously.
May 7th, 2006 at 7:55 am - IP Man-Hash: 2c84cdc573728
‘ BAD CHOICE OF MAN ON YOUR PART’
‘You seem to have a bad choice in men’
Dick, thats two men who think fem made a bad choice in a man, but according to you ‘there is nothing wrong with any man ever’ or some shit like that, so how could she possibly make a bad choice if there was no one bad to choose from?
hurm…
May 7th, 2006 at 8:20 am - IP Man-Hash: 8dd3dc862afae
Because she’s an idiot.
-Dick
May 7th, 2006 at 8:41 am - IP Man-Hash: 7a39226a6453a
Making a bad choice does not mean you’ve chosen something that is bad.
If you want a high performance car and choose a 1.2litre granny carrier that barely makes it past 85MPH, that doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with the car, that just means you’ve made the wrong choice.
The problem with women is that they want a high performance car that is economical, has excellent road handling with a soft wide, that is fully specced yet costs next to nothing, and that looks sporty yet can carry a weeks shopping.
Thats called setting yourself up for a disappointment and thats another thing that women do very well.
May 7th, 2006 at 9:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 8dd3dc862afae
They also want it to fly and make them skinny without hurting their self-esteem.
-Dick