10 Reasons Why Watches Are So Manly
It was recently brought to my attention that I have never weighed my manly weight in on the topic of watches.
Expensive watches are the manliest mancessories there are. Watches are twice as manly as old man clothes and ten times manlier than the manliest of Man Bags.
Here are my top ten reasons why.
Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Why Watches Are So Manly
10. Watches tell the time.
‘Where’, ‘Why’, and ‘How’ are stupid and womanly questions. That’s why men don’t ask directions, interrogate our lovers, or make any plans ahead of time ever. The only question that matters is ‘When?’
Women couldn’t show up on time if their lives depended on it. You could give a woman a watch, but unless a hand comes out of it that drags her to where she’s supposed to be, it won’t make a difference.
9. Watches come off.
In the old days, you had to roll your sleeves up when some asshole was about to get popped in the mouth — even if you were the asshole. Shirts were expensive back in the 20’s and money didn’t grow on trees like women think it does.
A watch prepares you for a rousing game of fist-mouth by coming off and being given to your least-drunk friend, or the guy who secretly doesn’t want to fight. Once the watch is off, you can let The Smothers Brothers or The Hammers or Prince Utopia and Buck Dynamo, or whatever you manlily call your fists, out for a whirlwind tour of Teeth Town.
8. Watches are distracting.
Many years ago, I was watching a man give a Power Point presentation to myself. When his computer engaged it showed a website detailing divorce law in the local municipality. Obviously, he had been looking at it before the presentation.
At that moment, the soon to be single presenter began adjusting and jiggling his watch like an epileptic magician at a child’s birthday party. His steel and ebony fireworks thoroughly dazzled and distracted me from all marital shenanigans.
I was mansmerized by it.
7. Watches can be engraved.
What else can a man get engraved? A wedding ring?
Congratulations. You’re fucked!
6. Watches are Risky!
Consider getting really drunk and running around town trying to balance six thousand one dollar bills on top of your head — like wearing a sombrero filled with money. That’s what it’s like getting drunk while you’re wearing an expensive watch. Risky as shit. It’s like picking your sister’s wedding cake up from the store and then taking it down a water slide just for the hell of it.
It’s manly to laugh at risk. An expensive watch laughs through a megaphone.
5. Watches are not distracting.
Watches are manly because they’re not distracting like hoop earrings and giant, fuck-off fingernails and diamond necklaces that trick you into looking at some grandmother’s boobs. Men don’t go in for that sort of bait and switch.
4. Watches last forever.
If you stack up the years watches have lasted to the years marriages have lasted, marriage does not stand a chance. Some watches have been handed down three generations. No marriage has ever done that, because that would be called incest.
3. Watches are fashionable.
Everything goes with green.
Watches go with an outfit like a clueless expression goes with a woman. They’re a perfect fit no matter what.
2. Watches are conversation starters.
Women are all degenerate sex-addicts. However, often times a haze of sexual lust will overwhelm their she-brains and faculties of speech. Hot women need an excuse to talk to you. They all think you’re attractive. You’ve got a penis and that’s what women are after.
But they’re also after money.
Isn’t it ironic. It takes several thousand dollars to get a woman to open her mouth, but nothing at all in the universe will shut it — nothing legal anyway. That should have been in that stupid song.
1. Watches Get You Laid.
An expensive watch is like a penis. You can use it to have sex.
Japanese girls are especially vulnerable to this. They will fuck your watch all day just because of your expensive dick — and vice versa.
If you have a few grand lying around, spend it. It’s the manliest thing you can do.
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December 6th, 2007 at 7:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 1078387725e20
Tag and Breitling are the only ranges that I like. I think that Rolex make some of the most expensive ugly watches around.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:01 am - IP Man-Hash: 2e9f52b62c482
Arent Breitling extremely expensive? I love their watches though.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:08 am - IP Man-Hash: 50fad96009bbb
A decent Breitling should set you back £2-3K. Sometimes I think that its such a waste for something that does the same job that a Casio would do, but I suppose if you can afford it comfortably then why not? The really mad ones are the Audemar Piguets.
Another problem is that you get such good fakes these days that even if your are wearing an expensive watch, people will think you’re wearing a fake.
December 28th, 2007 at 3:36 am - IP Man-Hash: fe3e8d0c5692a
I’m totally jealous. I mean, I wish I had a watch. It would be way more convenient than toting around that huge stone sundial that I usually use.
January 26th, 2008 at 10:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 704442c4e98b2
“Watches get you laid”/ how pathetic
January 31st, 2008 at 4:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: a1cb744806b66
This guy is funny. I don’t care if he is joking or not. He is funny.
January 31st, 2008 at 4:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Now there’s a man who knows the score.
-Dick
January 31st, 2008 at 5:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
You would know this if you were a Man and ever got laid. Expensive watches are one of many accessories that a woman looks for on a Man.
- Sgt Reyes
February 1st, 2008 at 8:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 5dc8042c669a8
Funny, Dick.
When I dance I don’t wear a watch for fear of snagging some cutie while we gyrate.
Once while dancing I asked a friend who was wearing a nice watch what the time was. He said he didn’t know because the watch was broken. I asked him why then was he wearing it. He said “Women like glittery, shiny things, it attracts them. They don’t care what time it is.”
April 8th, 2008 at 8:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 56bcfd32d0019
obviously men don’t know how to use a watch.
“I’m going to the grocery store I’ll be back in an hour”
FOUR HOURS LATER:
well, i did this, and i stopped here, and i went to look at this, and I went to look at that.. I want to buy a boat, and then they start to change the subject because they have no concept of time what-so-ever..
In my mind, you didn’t go look at anything, you went and cheated on me with those whores you hate so much, and did the groceries before you came home. I know this because the ice cream you bought, isn’t melted yet.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cea2f86fba21
Dick, i’m sorry but i must say, i haven’t had my watch for several days, because i forgot it at my girlfriend’s house. i must have lost countless man points.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 09b607c8c4b90
Ah yes, the paranoia. You only think he’s cheating on you because you’re projecting your own whorishness onto him.
April 27th, 2008 at 3:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 851e4b4a13c2b
8. Watches are distracting.
5. Watches are not distracting.
????????/
May 24th, 2008 at 1:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 3d89fb8a156b8
All I can say is WTF.
Also, I am wearing a watch. I am a woman. I use it to tell the time, so that I may not be late for things. I do not wear it because it is a piece of jewellery to make me look good. Also, a woman paid for this watch, and a woman set the time on this watch. The time on it is correct.
Hmm…I’d say that this is a very pointless list you have created.
May 24th, 2008 at 1:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 76b95f91a3cab
Waiting for “Shoes are manly” next.
May 24th, 2008 at 1:20 am - IP Man-Hash: 3d89fb8a156b8
Lol. That’s because they so are. All women should have to go in barefeet, for how manly shoes are.
May 24th, 2008 at 3:22 am - IP Man-Hash: fe0e1e42e757c
Watches ARE manly.
I’m Italian so of course mine is a 47mm Panerai…
A chick wouldn’t be able to lift her arm wearing one of these…
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1408/1394565783_f8ceb71ccb.jpg?v=0
June 4th, 2008 at 11:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3dc223d96b9e8
Women look at 3 things to judge whether a man is fuckable or not - 1. watch 2. shoes 3. teeth. Yes watches get you laid and yes it’s pathetic. But its not the men wearing them that’s pathetic, it’s pathetic that women do it.
June 8th, 2008 at 6:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 43fafadb17f45
“What else can a man get engraved?”
Guns. Engrave nifty sayings on your .50 caliber rifle’s muzzlebreak like “have a nice day” or “long distance relationship” or “Alimony this!”
June 30th, 2008 at 6:37 am - IP Man-Hash: cedfcc99f7802
I would explain why its not a contradiction but i have better things to do with my man time(, which I can measure with my watch).