It was recently brought to my attention that I have never weighed my manly weight in on the topic of watches.

Expensive watches are the manliest mancessories there are. Watches are twice as manly as old man clothes and ten times manlier than the manliest of Man Bags.

Here are my top ten reasons why.

Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Why Watches Are So Manly

10. Watches tell the time.

‘Where’, ‘Why’, and ‘How’ are stupid and womanly questions. That’s why men don’t ask directions, interrogate our lovers, or make any plans ahead of time ever. The only question that matters is ‘When?’

Women couldn’t show up on time if their lives depended on it. You could give a woman a watch, but unless a hand comes out of it that drags her to where she’s supposed to be, it won’t make a difference.

9. Watches come off.

In the old days, you had to roll your sleeves up when some asshole was about to get popped in the mouth — even if you were the asshole. Shirts were expensive back in the 20’s and money didn’t grow on trees like women think it does.

A watch prepares you for a rousing game of fist-mouth by coming off and being given to your least-drunk friend, or the guy who secretly doesn’t want to fight. Once the watch is off, you can let The Smothers Brothers or The Hammers or Prince Utopia and Buck Dynamo, or whatever you manlily call your fists, out for a whirlwind tour of Teeth Town.

8. Watches are distracting.

Many years ago, I was watching a man give a Power Point presentation to myself. When his computer engaged it showed a website detailing divorce law in the local municipality. Obviously, he had been looking at it before the presentation.

At that moment, the soon to be single presenter began adjusting and jiggling his watch like an epileptic magician at a child’s birthday party. His steel and ebony fireworks thoroughly dazzled and distracted me from all marital shenanigans.

I was mansmerized by it.

7. Watches can be engraved.

What else can a man get engraved? A wedding ring?

Congratulations. You’re fucked!

6. Watches are Risky!

Consider getting really drunk and running around town trying to balance six thousand one dollar bills on top of your head — like wearing a sombrero filled with money. That’s what it’s like getting drunk while you’re wearing an expensive watch. Risky as shit. It’s like picking your sister’s wedding cake up from the store and then taking it down a water slide just for the hell of it.

It’s manly to laugh at risk. An expensive watch laughs through a megaphone.

5. Watches are not distracting.

Watches are manly because they’re not distracting like hoop earrings and giant, fuck-off fingernails and diamond necklaces that trick you into looking at some grandmother’s boobs. Men don’t go in for that sort of bait and switch.

4. Watches last forever.

If you stack up the years watches have lasted to the years marriages have lasted, marriage does not stand a chance. Some watches have been handed down three generations. No marriage has ever done that, because that would be called incest.

3. Watches are fashionable.

Everything goes with green.

Watches go with an outfit like a clueless expression goes with a woman. They’re a perfect fit no matter what.

2. Watches are conversation starters.

Women are all degenerate sex-addicts. However, often times a haze of sexual lust will overwhelm their she-brains and faculties of speech. Hot women need an excuse to talk to you. They all think you’re attractive. You’ve got a penis and that’s what women are after.

But they’re also after money.

Isn’t it ironic. It takes several thousand dollars to get a woman to open her mouth, but nothing at all in the universe will shut it — nothing legal anyway. That should have been in that stupid song.

1. Watches Get You Laid.

An expensive watch is like a penis. You can use it to have sex.

Japanese girls are especially vulnerable to this. They will fuck your watch all day just because of your expensive dick — and vice versa.

If you have a few grand lying around, spend it. It’s the manliest thing you can do.

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