10 Reasons Why Watches Are So Manly
It was recently brought to my attention that I have never weighed my manly weight in on the topic of watches.
Expensive watches are the manliest mancessories there are. Watches are twice as manly as old man clothes and ten times manlier than the manliest of Man Bags.
Here are my top ten reasons why.
Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Why Watches Are So Manly
10. Watches tell the time.
‘Where’, ‘Why’, and ‘How’ are stupid and womanly questions. That’s why men don’t ask directions, interrogate our lovers, or make any plans ahead of time ever. The only question that matters is ‘When?’
Women couldn’t show up on time if their lives depended on it. You could give a woman a watch, but unless a hand comes out of it that drags her to where she’s supposed to be, it won’t make a difference.
9. Watches come off.
In the old days, you had to roll your sleeves up when some asshole was about to get popped in the mouth — even if you were the asshole. Shirts were expensive back in the 20’s and money didn’t grow on trees like women think it does.
A watch prepares you for a rousing game of fist-mouth by coming off and being given to your least-drunk friend, or the guy who secretly doesn’t want to fight. Once the watch is off, you can let The Smothers Brothers or The Hammers or Prince Utopia and Buck Dynamo, or whatever you manlily call your fists, out for a whirlwind tour of Teeth Town.
8. Watches are distracting.
Many years ago, I was watching a man give a Power Point presentation to myself. When his computer engaged it showed a website detailing divorce law in the local municipality. Obviously, he had been looking at it before the presentation.
At that moment, the soon to be single presenter began adjusting and jiggling his watch like an epileptic magician at a child’s birthday party. His steel and ebony fireworks thoroughly dazzled and distracted me from all marital shenanigans.
I was mansmerized by it.
7. Watches can be engraved.
What else can a man get engraved? A wedding ring?
Congratulations. You’re fucked!
6. Watches are Risky!
Consider getting really drunk and running around town trying to balance six thousand one dollar bills on top of your head — like wearing a sombrero filled with money. That’s what it’s like getting drunk while you’re wearing an expensive watch. Risky as shit. It’s like picking your sister’s wedding cake up from the store and then taking it down a water slide just for the hell of it.
It’s manly to laugh at risk. An expensive watch laughs through a megaphone.
5. Watches are not distracting.
Watches are manly because they’re not distracting like hoop earrings and giant, fuck-off fingernails and diamond necklaces that trick you into looking at some grandmother’s boobs. Men don’t go in for that sort of bait and switch.
4. Watches last forever.
If you stack up the years watches have lasted to the years marriages have lasted, marriage does not stand a chance. Some watches have been handed down three generations. No marriage has ever done that, because that would be called incest.
3. Watches are fashionable.
Everything goes with green.
Watches go with an outfit like a clueless expression goes with a woman. They’re a perfect fit no matter what.
2. Watches are conversation starters.
Women are all degenerate sex-addicts. However, often times a haze of sexual lust will overwhelm their she-brains and faculties of speech. Hot women need an excuse to talk to you. They all think you’re attractive. You’ve got a penis and that’s what women are after.
But they’re also after money.
Isn’t it ironic. It takes several thousand dollars to get a woman to open her mouth, but nothing at all in the universe will shut it — nothing legal anyway. That should have been in that stupid song.
1. Watches Get You Laid.
An expensive watch is like a penis. You can use it to have sex.
Japanese girls are especially vulnerable to this. They will fuck your watch all day just because of your expensive dick — and vice versa.
If you have a few grand lying around, spend it. It’s the manliest thing you can do.
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…freak.
yep seriosuly this guy must be a freak that doesn’t get laid.
satan is a man too.
Satan is not a man, you stupid bitch.
Satan doesn’t exist… just like Santa doesn’t exist.
Snap out of it.
You have to excuse her, Chris.
Women like to believe all kinds of untrue shit in their heads. “Satan is a man” is something a woman would RATHER BELIEVE than the VERY high probability that “Satan doesn’t exist’.
Women are not interested in truth. And you will probably be called an asshole for saying “Santa doesn’t exist” too.
Best thing a man can do is dress up like Santa,
and force-feed her his cock and cum.
That should confuse her nicely.
LOL! Mark - you were SUCH a pussy when I first met you, but you really have come long way in a really short time.
Well I have learned that everything women say, think and believe — is a lie.
- “Satan is a man”.
- “I deserve respect”.
- “Not sleeping with a man will get his respect”.
Everything. That fact must be force-fed to them along with your cock.
hahahhahaaa. watches are manly tools right? haah thats def why they come in female designes. People please don’t start commenting back to me saying ‘WOMEN ONLY WHERE WATCHES BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS FASHIONABLE”. Women wear watches to tell time! Whooo surprise surprise. A watch is used to tell time?? thats an unthinkable concept. lmao. Some women buy nice, expensive designs and they also come across as ‘fashionable’. Wow! they killed two birds with one stone! Dick, your just jelous you can’t pull that off!lol
Большое спасибо автору. Возможно, в будущем я и на самом деле реализую подобную идею. :)
I would explain why its not a contradiction but i have better things to do with my man time(, which I can measure with my watch).
“What else can a man get engraved?”
Guns. Engrave nifty sayings on your .50 caliber rifle’s muzzlebreak like “have a nice day” or “long distance relationship” or “Alimony this!”
Women look at 3 things to judge whether a man is fuckable or not - 1. watch 2. shoes 3. teeth. Yes watches get you laid and yes it’s pathetic. But its not the men wearing them that’s pathetic, it’s pathetic that women do it.
Watches ARE manly.
I’m Italian so of course mine is a 47mm Panerai…
A chick wouldn’t be able to lift her arm wearing one of these…
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1408/1394565783_f8ceb71ccb.jpg?v=0
Lol. That’s because they so are. All women should have to go in barefeet, for how manly shoes are.
shoes ARE manly!
i have a pair of old school made in the USA “bostonian” black dress shoes.
triple leather at the toe. i just KNEW that the triple toe would come in handy one day.
i caught my last “fiancee” cheating on me.
(yes i got the ring back-another story for another day)
the law was standing nearby (outside a club in NYC)
so i kicked the *man* ( former wing-man after that night) straight in the ballz
he flew backwards about three feet and landed on his ass
the shoes are too small to wear nowadays but i STILL have them.
Now i wear USMC NCO dress shoes.
and yes, the toes are ‘reinforced’
i dated my wife for five years before we tied the knot.
it was a backyard party with maybe 50 friends.
everyone chipped in.
it lasted the weekend.
life can be good, if a guy lays out the rules
and that’s that
guy things are mysterious to the young and clueless “womyn”
ft
Uh huh.
Bravo with the whole shoe thing. Yah wow, triple leather toe, enough to make someone fly backwards 3 feet from a kick. Aamazing.
So WTF is up with “womyn”
All of a sudden its not not even worth it to spell that correctly? Hahaa dumbass. Give me a break.
Waiting for “Shoes are manly” next.
All I can say is WTF.
Also, I am wearing a watch. I am a woman. I use it to tell the time, so that I may not be late for things. I do not wear it because it is a piece of jewellery to make me look good. Also, a woman paid for this watch, and a woman set the time on this watch. The time on it is correct.
Hmm…I’d say that this is a very pointless list you have created.
once upon a time, about 15 years ago, i thought i needed an esxpensivewatch to prove
so i bought a Tag. nothing spectacular, just stainless steel and battery powered. at the time it cost $1K in a watch store in Southampton VIllage , Long Island New York, USA.
not for nothing but i’ve had occasion to use it as a right hand “knuckle-duster”.
on all such occasionss, the other individual decided he did NOT need to have my watch.
i STILL wear the sukker.
at my age, (55), i don’t need no “steenkin’ new watch”.
this one works quite well.
this thing once fell out of my hand 20 stories up at cancun, bounced about three feet into the air (according to witnesses) and stayed at the bottom of a green-scum filled swim pool for two days and it STILL keeps ticking.
accurately.
women……wonderful to sex but otherwise clueless.
that’s it for tonight
ft
Then you are correct.
Plus, its a list about.. watches…
You’re a retard if you make lists about watches.
8. Watches are distracting.
5. Watches are not distracting.
????????/
Lol! I think distracting in some ways and not distracting in others. They’re distracting when it counts, but they’re not excessively distracting otherwise. At least, that’s as much as I understand from it.
Hilarious. Probably one of the best things I’ve read here, really. I wear a watch, sir Dick. If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn’t be wearing it had my mommy not decided I should be wearing a watch. Erm. ^^ Hilarious, though. I love the site. Interesting.
Cassie.
Ah yes, the paranoia. You only think he’s cheating on you because you’re projecting your own whorishness onto him.
Dick, i’m sorry but i must say, i haven’t had my watch for several days, because i forgot it at my girlfriend’s house. i must have lost countless man points.
obviously men don’t know how to use a watch.
“I’m going to the grocery store I’ll be back in an hour”
FOUR HOURS LATER:
well, i did this, and i stopped here, and i went to look at this, and I went to look at that.. I want to buy a boat, and then they start to change the subject because they have no concept of time what-so-ever..
In my mind, you didn’t go look at anything, you went and cheated on me with those whores you hate so much, and did the groceries before you came home. I know this because the ice cream you bought, isn’t melted yet.
Funny, Dick.
When I dance I don’t wear a watch for fear of snagging some cutie while we gyrate.
Once while dancing I asked a friend who was wearing a nice watch what the time was. He said he didn’t know because the watch was broken. I asked him why then was he wearing it. He said “Women like glittery, shiny things, it attracts them. They don’t care what time it is.”
You would know this if you were a Man and ever got laid. Expensive watches are one of many accessories that a woman looks for on a Man.
- Sgt Reyes
Now there’s a man who knows the score.
-Dick
This guy is funny. I don’t care if he is joking or not. He is funny.
“Watches get you laid”/ how pathetic
I’m totally jealous. I mean, I wish I had a watch. It would be way more convenient than toting around that huge stone sundial that I usually use.