Who’s Walking Who?

Women should not be allowed to walk down the street without a leash.

Every man knows what’s important in everything. It’s a little thing called fundamentals. For example, the fundamental skill of walking down the fucking street. Men know that’s important.

I was in San Diego this weekend for a meeting and I guess there was some kind of sports costume party at the hotel I was at. The reason I think this is because there were a bunch of women there dressed up as athletes. When I saw “dressed up” as athletes that’s exactly what I mean. In no way could they be mistaken for actual athletes as they were each a minimum of thirty pounds overweight.

You do the math. Unless you’re Babe Ruth, Tony Gwynn, or any American football player, exceeding two miles an hour while exceeding the stress levels of your Lane Bryant’s by ten pounds equals a heart attack.

I was walking up to the hotel with my luggage and who should come barreling down on me but two of the most flagrant abuses of the term athlete that I have ever seen. I believe they were each chowing down on a bear claw, however, that may have been an optical illusion. Women are great at optical illusions. That’s why they have makeup, to give men the illusion that they’re worth a damn. When two women share the collective weight of three or four women, my man-mind can’t help but fill in the blanks.

What happened next was that neither of the heifers moved out of the way. As a man, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The process of falling into a single file line when one has to share a lane with oncoming traffic. Of course women don’t have any such instinct.

Afraid that I would contract fatness on contact, I stepped into the grass and let the two big shit barges pass like I was some kind of sexy speedboat. As I was frowning and hoping it had been at least a day since they had watered the lawn, I came up with this theory:

Women should not be allowed to walk down the street without a leash.

What’s the fucking downside? None. Frankly I think women would embrace it. Just like they embrace everything a man tells them to do. It’s just like how women pretend to be even stupider and more useless than they actually are to attract men. Have a bitch slap a leash on herself and you’re talking hot summer fashion.

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