Hocus Pocus: Women Are Dumb
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The reason women gobble up Feng Shui, healing crystals, and all that other bullshit like pigs at a trough, is because their vaginas aren’t worth shit after the age of 26.
They need something to fill the gap.
Don’t believe me? When was the last time a woman over 26 didn’t lie to you about her age?
All human beings need a purpose. We need to have something to give, because it means we get something in return. That’s human nature. We men can feel good about ourselves without being promiscuous whores because as men we have skills and ideas instead of positions and tongues. That’s also human nature.
That’s how the laws of economics apply to the job market. What a manly thing for me to have just said.
That’s also what the Smurfs was all about: in a perfect world, everyone has a job and doing that job means a bunch of other jobs get done for you. As a man, I understand that. The only philosophies women draw from the Smurfs are that it’s okay to fuck a hundred guys, and that anyone who cares more about the Smurf berries getting eaten by an ogre than pining to fuck the only girl in town is gay.
Straight guys have to eat too. Eating is like sports and having one last pint. To men, they’re both more important than getting laid.
All men have a purpose. I’m hilarious and everything I say is a supernova of truth. That’s my purpose. Women, however, exist to get fucked. Actually, I take that back. That’s only true until they’re 27. After that it’s a desperate slide into Hocus Pocus and expensive baloney.
Mature Women’s Studies (ages 27 and over)
101: Psychics and Clairvoyance (ages 27-32)
The first step to getting a degree at the Women’s Academy of Mystical Bullshit is to believe in psychics with all of your little heart.
The reason women believe in clairvoyance is because they need to have something to give. A 27 year old vagina isn’t something to give anymore, it’s something that needs care. It needs to be tagged as un-marriable and checked into a convalescent home. Without their vaginas, women cling to a world of clairvoyance and foresight like bits of shit onto a sinking toilet.
“If I believe in psychics, doesn’t that make me a psychic?” says a woman. “Doesn’t that mean I have something to give?”
No. You don’t have to be psychic to spot a cougar from twenty paces.
201: Feng Shui, Tarot, and Horoscopes (ages 33-38)
Feng Shui is the art of a woman turning her fuck-ups into a stockpile of Karma, and her husband’s success into the depths of her understanding of a cheap-shit wheel made in China.
If women read enough books on this kind of crap, they all figure out the same thing: nothing ever was anyone’s fault, men aren’t better than women, and no man has ever succeeded because of hard work and dedication. It was because he was born on a Tuesday.
No, ladies. It was because he was born with a cock.
The Chinese have a saying about Feng Shui. Roughly translated, it goes, “white women should shut their fucking mouths.”
301: Magical Healing (ages 39-45)
There are many types of magical healing, but there has only been one Jesus.
The difference between Jesus and every woman who has ever picked up a book on healing crystals, acupuncture, Reiki, aromatherapy, homeopathy, magnetic healing, aura therapy, faith healing, therapeutic touch, and anything else that starts with a sucker and ends with a bill, is that Jesus was remembered after he died. That can’t be said for any woman who has ever owned a book on how to be a reverse Bogeyman.
That’s women in their 40’s for you: just as dumb as women in their 20’s.
401: Angels (ages 46 and over)
As a man, you can have opinions and lengthy discussions about religion. As a woman, you can shut the fuck up about religion because you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A miracle is when a 747 doesn’t crash into an orphanage. A miracle is when you get shot in the head and it somehow misses your brain. A miracle is not Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood — nor is a miracle any other sob story about some dumb cunt who couldn’t understand a cell phone bill let alone a dogmatic philosophy.
Angels are not the man you couldn’t please long enough to stick around and take care of you. They live in heaven. Why would they give a shit that you locked your keys in your car.
Manclusion
All women lie about their age. To narrow down the number, ask her which of the above topics sounds most appealing. Toss in the Socratic Method as a laugh. If she thinks you meant Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, order up a round of Rufitini’s on me. She’s just right.
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Cut off your little knob and choke your father with it. Turnabout is only fair, you failed, miserable piece of shit. :)
Brilliant. And very funny.
Whoever disagrees – has no penis.
Dick, congratulations with the extraordinary talent of writing crap. Your ability of making a fool out of yourself is going to bring you to the top.
Astrology is bullshit too.
Personally I think all of that sounds like bullshit, but that’ll probably change by the time I turn senile. *shrug* Also, I don’t believe in miracles. Getting shot in the head and not hit in the brain is a combination of luck and bad aim, not a miracle.
Um, do you know that it was started by men?
Yeah, all this phone psychic bullshit may have been started by men, but for the express purpose to get money out of suckers. In this case, bored middle-aged housewives who lost their purpose in life: Lying on her back and taking the dick.
That’s good, it means you put big letters in front of small ones.
Here………..I have a thesis I need done which includes your use of not only spellcheck, but one-liners on old articles.
Did I point out that I notice you talk a fucking lot for no reason?
Different Karen, notice I spell mine with a capital K.
Kristina,
You need to learn to speell, arguement….is spelled argument.
Karen
well if this article is true….then its gonna suck when i turn 27 :/ though im sorry to say Dick i love a good religious arguement… :)
Why don’t you just clam up – that way you won’t end up wondering why your hubby had to dislocate your jaw and throw you down the stairs.
Hint: It’s not socially acceptable to fuck his boss and then brag about how ‘big’ he was to your gal-pals. Also, claiming PMS is the reason you will not put out when it really is that you’re worried because he hasn’t called you in two days and you want him to ravage your asshole – and then turning around and threatening your hubby with a lawsuit… That’s sorta a shit-headed thing to do. It’s almost as if you sluts want to be treated like the shit you are – as in it’s sexually empowering to be shot in the head and sunk to the bottom of a lake. But hey, the name says it all.
meh
i honestly think you guys need to get laid, if u honestly think that women are so ‘hopelessly shit’ then why dont you become a faggot and see how much your going to want us afterwards xoxoxo
I don’t call women useless bitchy cum dumpsters and I don’t call blacks n*ggers. (I’m trying to think of language that’s as offensive to women as the n-word is, and I can’t).
I don’t even call women b*tches.
That’s called consistency.
I’ve also said repeatedly that the variance between demographic groups is dwarfed by the variance within groups, and that we should treat people as individuals.
If you want to make an argument about blacks or women as a group, you’re welcome to do so. But front-loading your argument with vile, emotive language doesn’t suggest you’re much on rationality.
Indeed, it suggests you’re a racist or a misogynist.
I’m neither.
No, I mean they fail. Had I meant to say “they are wrong” I would have said so.
Words have meanings, as do deeds.
You fail to grasp this and thus you simply fail.
-wolfe
I’m chiding you too, Ralohcs Denreal.
The Kook Klutz Klanner strikes again.
As I have have indicated before, regarding blatant sexism and blatant racism, Wolfe, you are more than willing to spout blanket statements about women, yet you chide me for making blanket statements about niggers. You truly have been forced to attend one too many “diversity training” lectures by your employer.
Always beware the man who claims out loud that he hates hypocrisy.
And by “they fail”, you mean “they are wrong”.
Like I said, Always beware the man who claims out loud that he hates hypocrisy.
Worship that, slut. And shut the fuck up and learn your place. Calling someone gay after you fondle your gurl-friend’s tits is just stupid, slut. All the homophobia just goes to show that you sluts think you’re entitled to everything – my hard-earned money financing a CEO’s lifestyle, who actually pays some slut $1000 for lying there catatonic for 5 minutes. Oh, you don’t think that far into it. Well that makes it go away for everyone except for me, who gets to watch stupid whores get in with the anti-male school system. But that’s not enough – you want more power, and when we actually get a hold of what’s going on, you act like the stupid cunt you are.
I suppose it’s because you’re used to your gang of tools backing you up.
Gurls are sub-human. You aren’t a superior race, you’re a stupid little slut whose pride lies in ignorance and some fucked-up mix of submission and gurl power. You think you can have all the rights of a man, and then be treated more equal, and the next day get my position because you fucked my boss.
Learn your place before you hurt yourself, sweetie.
I take back that horrible comment I said about teen girl’s prudishness being solved by shoving them down stairs. I should have said ‘hit in the back with a lead pipe.’ And that way, you wouldn’t have to punish every slutty daughter and stupid heel-clad schoolgirl. If you have the worst 15-20% pushing themselves around the mall in dollies, that should send the message to the remaining young female population.
We need to castrate more males, or idiots like you who claim to be.
Still can’t get over the fact you couldn’t make it with the cute girls in junior high? Get a life, you repulsive idiot.