Women Caused the War in Iraq

Women caused the war in Iraq. It’s been plain as day to me for a while now — because of my mantuition, but I didn’t want to drop that particular bomb up the ass of feminism because I hadn’t yet acquired the proof.

Someone call the CO. The proof has been acquired.

Just like all other wars, women caused the war in Iraq.

Whatever your thoughts on the war in Iraq, there is one thing that can’t be argued: more than 3,000 US troops have lost their lives in battle. That means if every man who has given his life for freedom in Iraq was an M&M, the deaths of those men would probably fill up a fish bowl. I’m not sure about that because I’m not very good at those guessing games. I’m a man. I’m not about fucking guessing, I’m about facts.

Here’s a fact for you. Since 1960, women and their fat asses have gotten fatter by a magnitude of 24 pounds. That’s 17% more Cushion for the Pushin, making women that much more sensual than they were a mere 50 years ago.

But Dick, what does massive and disgusting weight gain have to do with the war in the middle east?

I’ll tell you, my man friend.

The troops in Iraq have been doing more than building freedom and democracy in these unstable parts of the world. They’ve also been acquiring access to oil faster than women at a Midnight Madness sale acquired fucking claw marks all over her arms. Unlike women, the military does it with class — except the woman parts of the military. They do it with no class.

It doesn’t matter if you think oil is why anyone went to Iraq in the first place. The free world is getting its precious oil regardless of intent. It’s like slapping the shit out of a woman. Even if you didn’t mean to, she’s still going to get turned on by it. If you don’t think that’s true, find me one woman over the age of 17 who hasn’t had a rape fantasy.

Twenty four more pounds of womanly personality equals 469 million more gallons of gasoline per year purchased by the average male just to schlep his prize pig to the movies and back; probably stopping at Starbucks or Coldstone Ice Creamery on the way to and back. Starting to see the big picture?

Maybe if women could skip a meal or hit the treadmill more often than twice every New Years, we wouldn’t be so fucking dependent on oil. We would be exactly 469 million gallons less dependent on oil. I wonder how many of those 3,000 marines that would have saved.

I wonder that, but women don’t. They just keep cramming donuts and bear claws into their gaping maws like no one’s making any more, and somehow they manage to fill their air with their braying and jaw-jacking while doing so. It makes me sick.

If all the reasons women shouldn’t be in the army were M&M’s, you could probably stack them up into space. Jessica Lynch and Lynndie England would be a big fat pair of M&M’s the size of footballs at the very bottom; those ones they sell during Easter.

Man, are those two broads a pair of military grade fuck ups or what?

Women Weigh In. Moo.

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