While on the Dr. Phil program, a woman accused me of being chivalrous. Now I’m never one to argue with a woman. For example, if a woman wants to get smacked around by her boyfriend every time she runs her mouth, then who am I to say it’s wrong? This isn’t some fascist dystopia. Women have the choice to get their asses kicked if that’s what they want. They also have the choice to not ask for a raise because they’re cowards and then blame the wage gap on sexism.

In a free world, women have the choice to be retarded.

For the record, I have never hit a woman unless it was hilarious. [Read more]

All mysteries in life can be solved by The Bible or through some scientific thought. Here’s an example:

Where did the moon come from?

From the Bible, we know that the moon is just there and wouldn’t you rather hear about magic apples and talking snakes? I know I would.

Science tells us that the moon was formed 4.5 billion years ago from the ejected matter of a collision between the Earth and a rogue proto-planet — except that the Earth is spinning too fast and is too large for that to have happened, so maybe it was two collisions or maybe Mother Earth just got a lot fatter after spawning.

Typical. [Read more]

What: Dating in a manly fashion.
When: Never. Dating is a loss of Man Points.
Where: Anywhere. Women are like Starbucks. They’re all over the place, and they’re all over-priced.
Who: As hot as you can afford. Be careful. Women think credit is the same as money.

What’s missing is why. Why put up with the cell phone calls during dinner, the crazy clairvoyant dreams they keep a secret until four months in, the piss-poor attitudes, the 1001 ways a woman can talk about her dog, the addiction to American Idol and “dance porn”, the talking — the endless fucking talking? Why date?

Why: To get laid. Don’t ever forget it. [Read more]

In the previous section of Dick Masterson’s Guide to Manly Dating, I covered the all-important where of dating.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the greatest mountain climber in the northern hemisphere, if you’re trying to beat the world record in the Bonneville Flats, you’re shit out of luck. That’s why I covered where first. It’s the most important. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best player in the world, if you’re trying to sell premium sausage at a pie eating contest, you’re shit out of fuck.

In addition to being one of the most crude sentences ever written, that last thought is also one of the most poignant. [Read more]

I personally cannot stand the topic of dating. Dating is something that silly people who think they have a treasure box between their thighs haven’t mastered by the age of 19.

That’s right, I’m talking about women.

But since I do get a lot of questions from young men on this topic — and since I feel as though I am a role model for each of them — I am going to take this entire Valentine’s Day week and even some of next week to talk about how to date in a manly way.

Rule #1: Don’t do it. [Read more]

I was at the doctor’s office a few days ago getting my hand X-rayed after punching this fuck-head in the throat during the Super Bowl, and I learned an interesting statistic.

88% of women wash their hands after using the restroom.
66% of men do the same.

Urine is sterile, fellows and gentleman. You’re washing your hands too goddamn much. [Read more]

When I think of famous law breakers, I think of swarthiness, moxy, and above all, competence. If men were s’mores, those would be our mangredients.

Jessie James, Al Capone, George Washington; each one was a criminal and each was moxier and manlier than the last.

What I don’t think about when I think of world class law breaking, is some ranting bitch trying to scream her way out of a parking ticket. Men invented the law. It’s no wonder men are better than women at breaking it.

Also, God gave women tits to get out of traffic tickets. Not lungs and certainly not brains. [Read more]