Ask Dick

You have man questions? I have man answers.

Ask Dick: Should Women Be In the Marines?

Posted in Ask Dick on December 22nd, 2006

To me, the Marine Corps was the toughest branch in the military where only America’s top 1% earn the honor of being called Marine. Now women and their “equal oppurtunity bullshit” can earn this prestige. They shouldnt. They don’t do pull-ups like the men do, instead they do an arm hang, and their run time can be slower all because they’re not built like men. Even the women in our administration fuck shit up. I believe i just lost a shit load of man points for complaining but my question is, Should women be allowed in not just the Marine Corps but any branch of military?

Thanks for the question, Manly in the Marines, but my answer may surprise you.

Yes. Women should be in the Marines. [Read more]

Why Can’t Women Hook Up a VCR?

Posted in Ask Dick on December 4th, 2006

There are two things women can’t do:

Hook up a VCR and Everything.

If you have ever seen a woman do either of those two things, you were either manlucinating or watching a transvestite. Loss of Man Points for the latter. [Read more]

How Do I Deal With a Vegetarian?

Posted in Ask Dick on September 4th, 2006

The following question was sent to me by diamatik. If you would like to ask me a question, submit it via the Contact Dick page or post it in the forums.

“My girlfriend is a Vegan. What the fuck do I do when I want to eat, make her sit there? Won’t my em-man-imotions make me feel guilty?”

Yes. Make her sit there. Women lead long and un-lustrious lives spent primarily in various states of sitting there. True, they spend a lot of time on their backs during childbirth and activites which are inevitably childbirth related, but the true nature of womankind is to sit down and shut the fuck up.

Women are like Jesus, except instead of twelve stations of the cross, they have twelve positions for sitting there. Except because they’re women and lazy there are actually only three different positions and also, unlike Jesus, women don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. [Read more]

Expect the Unexpected…ly Stupid

Posted in Ask Dick on July 24th, 2006

I was sent the following question by a reader Mark.

“It’s pretty much inevitable that I’m going to have to deal with woman coworkers someday. In these times where women almost always have the legal upper-hand, what advice would you give to young people entering the job market?”

Believe me I have plenty of advice for young people. I’m a man so good advice shoots out of my mouth like a bee hive packed full of honey. [Read more]

When Women Should Shut the Fuck Up

Posted in Ask Dick on July 19th, 2006

People are always asking me what the qualities of the perfect wife are. Mostly men. That’s because women don’t give a fuck about what makes a perfect wife.

Have you ever seen a “romantic” comedy? I say “romantic” because what it should be is “woman” comedy — and by woman I mean “shitty” or “not a”. Those bullshit movies are all about how horrible and fucking stupid women can behave whilst the right thing to do is staring them in face like a Stop sign, and how some poor schmuck with a job that lets him loaf around town all day doing nothing can be guilted into putting up with getting fucked over for two hours and calling a spade with a shrew nose a fucking prize pig by the end of it all.

Maybe instead of romantic comedies they should be called documentaries. [Read more]

Why Do Women Make Shitty Musicians?

Posted in Ask Dick on June 26th, 2006

This question was sent to me by a reader and I appreciate it:

“Dick, why do women make such shitty musicians?”

I happen to disagree with the question. See, unlike women, men can disagree with things like questions and eye-rolls, even though they’re not technically statements to be disagreed with. It’s because questions and fucking eye-rolls and other bullshits are just like saying the same thing that is being implied. It’s the same.

Women always fuck that up. They think keeping their mouths shut gives them carte blanche to behave however fucking terribly they want. [Read more]

An Evening With Dick: Part 1

Posted in Ask Dick on May 10th, 2006

These questions were sent to me by rio, a woman. It is my hope that fielding these woman-questions will dissuade women from trouncing all over this site like they’re welcome. They’re not. Perhaps they will find some outlet in simply reading and re-reading these questions. Or perhaps by making up their own questions and then reading my answers in order, like children with painting by numbers activity books. [Read more]

Maniversary Origins

Posted in Ask Dick on April 26th, 2006

I’ve been asked this question by many people. I don’t care about the women who’ve asked it though. Like most questions women ask, they’re just doing it to set themselves up to say something snotty.

Here it is, for the very special One Year Maniversary.

A Maniversary is like an anniversary that’s not besmirched by a pointless and crass exchange of gifts for simple niceties like politeness and deranged sex acts.

“Dick, why did you start” [Read more]