Ask Dick

You have man questions? I have man answers.

Ask Dick: Who’s The Manlier Role Model?

Posted in Ask Dick on June 4th, 2007

The following question was submitted to me last week by Mike.

Dick, who do you think is manlier: Carl from Aqua Teen hunger Force or Zap Brannigan from Futurama?

I looked those names up on the internet thinking they were war heros or rock stars or something of that nature. I discovered, however, that they are both cartoon characters. Nothing is more important to me than educating young men in the ways of their own manliness. If this site catered to women, I would have to say something like, “but not in a gay way,” because women are immature and fucking obsessed with everything being gay somehow. That’s what penis envy does to your brain.

Nothing should be more important to young men than having the manliest possible role model. [Read more]

Multi-Task? Don’t Make Me Multi-Laugh — Or Multi-Shit.

Posted in Ask Dick on May 16th, 2007

I was sent this question by a reader:

In the beginning, when God made men and women, it was pretty simple. God made men strong and smart so they could hunt and he made women to carry children, cook and clean. Then as women realized how much greater men were they started to attempt manly jobs. Now, women get pissed at men because they have to do their day job then come home and do what God intended for them to. What do you think?

The reason women are so fucked in their heads these days is because they invented The Career Woman. The Career Woman is like that guy in Short Circuit. Not that guy; that robot. He can’t do anything right, it takes two other guys to babysit him all day, and before he learned his lesson he caused about ten million dollars in property damage. Go watch that film with an insurance adjuster. He’ll tell you. [Read more]

Ask Dick: How Manly Was The Apollo 11 Mission?

Posted in Ask Dick on March 30th, 2007

The following question was sent to me by Marco Urso.

Thousands of years of research, thinking, and inventing from men all over the globe were put on display that day to boldly go where no man has gone before (and within the scheduled time frame).

I am talking of course about the Apollo 11 Mission and I wondered exactly how manly was the first manned flight to the moon?

I don’t know if all of you men know this, but no women were involved in the planning or execution of the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.

Here’s a short list of other amazing projects no women were involved in:

All of them. [Read more]

Ask Dick: Has Feminism Affected Anything?

Posted in Ask Dick on March 28th, 2007

Necroswordsman of has sent me the following question.

Hey Dick, I have a question. In most of my life I have wondered how feminists have affected the media. For example, nowadays, a children’s presenter has to be clearly a young guy or they’re branded a pedophile. You get what I mean.

I’d really like some answers.

And I’d really like those barking-dog shock-collars to become the hottest women’s fashion item for 2007. Imagine what a utopia that would be. Every time a woman went to open her mouth, she’d get an electric Five Across the Eyes.

Women are too terrified during a crisis to say anything anyway. What’s the downside? At least this way they’d have an excuse. A sexy excuse. [Read more]

Ask Dick: Why is Prostitution Illegal?

Posted in Ask Dick on March 26th, 2007

The following question was sent to me by a reader Erik.

Here in America prostitution is illegal, yet pornography is completely okay so long as all participants are eighteen and over. This is what confuses me: Is pornography (that is to say, intercourse between two parties) not the same as prostitution?

Why is prostitution illegal?

Good question, Erik. Now prepare your mind for a mantomic explosion of answer.

Prostitution is illegal because women hate the fuck out of each other. [Read more]

Ask Dick: Why Do Women Hate Porn?

Posted in Ask Dick on March 16th, 2007

diamatik has sent me the following question:

Dick, why do women hate porn?

Oh boy do they ever. And what’s worse than a woman who hates porn? A woman who loves porn. That’s a man-bear trap set loose in the conjugal bedroom that you just can’t miss!

“You know what would be exciting? We should watch some porn.�?


Guilty! Not if you want to have sex you shouldn’t! Women hate porn because men are better than women. [Read more]

Ask Dick: Why Are Teenage Girls So Fucking Stupid?

Posted in Ask Dick on March 12th, 2007

A reader, Joey, sent me the following question.

How’s it going, Mr. Masterson? Straight to my man point, what the hell is the deal with young women who say that they don’t care about looks and want to settle with a man who cares for them, loves the, etc? These are freakin’ 15-17, 18 year old girls talking. What the hell are they settling down from? They’re reaching the age where they practice whore-crafts like fucking and sucking. You get my point.

Of course I get your point. If I didn’t get your point from that well-laid mansplanation, then I would have to be a woman. And then what would I do with my penis?

Use it as an ATM I guess. That’s all women seem to know what to do with them. [Read more]

Ask Dick: What’s The Deal With Transexuals?

Posted in Ask Dick, Science Says... on December 27th, 2006

The following question was sent to me by a reader, darzie:

I have an Ask Dick question.

What’s the deal with gals who try to turn themselves into guys? Female to Male transsexuals is the term. Do they count as men?

Well, darzie, you certainly do have an Ask Dick question. Lucky for you, I have a Dick Answer.

Men are better than women at being transsexuals and also at being gay. It’s the same thing anyway. [Read more]