There’s a figurative “umbrella” reason that men are better than women. It’s because men are men and therefore have brains and balls and everything else that makes a man-cog work properly in the giant cosmic machine of progress. Women have only glitter and sugar for brains and other manners of shit that rot your teeth.

There’s also a literal “umbrella” reason men are better than women, and that is an actual umbrella that you hold over your head when it rains — unless you’re a woman that is. If you’re a woman, you also use an umbrella to poke everyone over 5’8″ in their goddamn eyes. [Read more]

Phone calls should rarely be made. And when they do, they should be terminated as quickly as possible.

All men know this because men know how to use things like telephones and band saws and eyeballs. We know how to use things because we invented them. Women using anything is like a bunch of monkeys trying to use a prop from Star Trek someone threw into the jungle. There’s just a shitload of noise and nonsense and anyone with half a brain knows none of it is going anywhere. [Read more]

There’s someone in every man’s life that he learns to appreciate just about the time he moves out of the house. This is someone who should be respected at all times. Their advice is golden and tempered with experience. It should be treasured. This is a person to whom a man can confide all of his secrets.

It’s his fucking attorney. Who did you think I was going to say? His mother?

Eat shit. [Read more]

Women should not work at the IRS. First of all, women don’t know what money is. They think it’s love — specifically the love their father didn’t give their mother because she was a raging bitch. Guess what it isn’t.

Money is a mark of hard work or smart work. All men know that. That’s why we make more money than women. It’s the same reason a fly fisherman catches more fish than a donkey. The fisherman knows what the fuck is going on. [Read more]

It’s a little known fact that 100% of “lesbian” relationships are abusive. I saw a Law and Order: Criminal Intent on the subject just last week. It raised some interesting questions in my sub-manconscious. That’s the male only version of the subconscious that does more than think about penises and wishing it had one. It thinks about getting the fucking job done.

Men are better than women at beating women. Don’t believe me? I have a quick way to fix that. [Read more]

Not everyone in the world can be a Cary Grant or a Carey Elwis — a Jim Carrey? No, this finely tuned machine man invented and named Civilization takes gears of grit and wear as well. It takes men who look like they’ve been punched in the face or fell down a tree into a wheelbarrow full of pool balls. It takes ugly.

It happens, and when it does we men don’t care about it. We don’t care about it so much that women don’t care about it either. Look at Vigo Mortensen. Women love him and he’s ugly as shit.

It’s too bad no women can say the same. [Read more]

Astrology is one of the dumbest and most worthless things in the world.

Astrology is so dumb, I don’t think a man could even come up with something dumber. That’s because ten thousand years ago, or whenever it was that astrology was crapped out, a man sat down and said, “What’s the dumbest thing that could possibly be. Eureka! Astrology!”

Men invented it as a joke, and men are better than women at it.

[Read more]

Throughout the ages, men have become timeless legends for sharing their unique gifts with the world. Mozart was a famous piano man. Hippocrates was a famous doctor man. Richard Simmons was a famous girlie man.

The point is that no woman can claim the same. Hey how about that. I’m a rhyming man by intuition and I was not aware of the predisposition.

Sure women can become timeless legends, but it’s always for one thing and one thing only.

Being a cocksucker. [Read more]