Women only have one skill. The ability to have children. And it’s not so much a skill as much as it is a defense mechanism againt doing work. Like how an octopus shoots ink all over the place when a shark is trying to bite it or stab it with something. That’s how women use their natural defense of cranking out children whenever a job is about to bite ahold of them.

It’s also like how Yakov Smirnoff would say shit about Russia about everything, even when it didn’t apply at all. Women are exactly like Yakov Smirnoff except their broken crutch is their ovaries.

Take promiscuous sex for example. Women will explain away their debauchery with some kind of mythical “biological, reproductive clock” that apparently starts dinging up like a slot machine when they hit twenty-six and spits Spanish Fly into the air like a crop duster. Where I come from we have a term for that. Horseshit.

Women also use the act of bearing a child (even the poseurs who haven’t actually gone through with it yet) to prove that they can take more pain than men — and that women have a higher pain tolerance than we do. Where I come from we have a term for that too. Super horseshit. Here’s the horse to prove it. [Read more]

You know, I’m seriously sick of all this Marie Curie nonsense.

Men, let me tell you one thing that I know as 100% fact. Marie Curie was not some fucking super scientist that saved all women from the brink of total historical irrelevance. Women can’t be scientists; plain and simple. It’s not in their blood.

What she actually was — just like every other successful woman in history — was an opinionated, bray-hard, nag ninny with a penchant for stealing the work of her diligent husband.

Marie Curie was the Courtney Love of the 1920’s. [Read more]

Men, I want to ask you something. How many times have you been slapped? By women I mean. How many times has a simple argument or perhaps a bawdy and hilarious joke been countered by a flagrant personal foul?

I myself have been slapped more times than I can count — upwards of eight. But in return, I have never hit anyone that didn’t deserve it.

And women never deserve it. [Read more]

Remember when you were in fifth grade and someone had to take the class guinea pig or sugar glider home for Christmas break? Then remember when all the little girls raised their hands excitedly and your male teacher hummed and hawed and pretended that he didn’t see anything until some boy raised his hand? Then he let the boy take care of the guinea pig for those three weeks.

Your male teacher did that because a good way to start a new school year is not by having some bawling little girl drag a dead guinea pig in a shoebox casket into class.

That’s morbid and sick. [Read more]

True story. I was walking to the store yesterday and smoking a giant Cuban cigar — as I like to do on Tuesday’s. On the way, I passed a woman who was shouting at her dog. The dog had wandered away and was ferreting through someone’s trash.

Being the helpful man that I am, I tried to explain to the woman that the dog was probably not understanding her position on the matter and that this is one of the reasons the city magistrate considers it in everyone’s best interests for dogs to be kept on leashes — to deter that kind of chaos. Everyone got together and agreed it would make the city better.

The woman made an overly-crass comment that I’m not going to repeat here because of its hateful subject matter and stormed away. I found myself asking one question as she did.

Why do all women hate gay people so much? [Read more]

Recently, women have come out en masse waving a giant banner that says:

“We don’t have equal pay yet, but we’re much closer!”

What you can’t pick up on the news unless you have a Tivo, is the fine print at the bottom of the banner that says:

“Total Bullshit!” [Read more]

There is a misnomer in our society to the tune of “household chores”. “Chores” imply that there is work that needs getting done. That makes sense, doesn’t it? In days of old, the man of the house would establish these chores and then divy them up to his clan. There would be no bullshit about this. My how times have changed for the worse.

Today’s “household chores” are merely a fabrication of women to invent things to endlessly bitch about. [Read more]

I awoke this morning with a powerful thirst to wrap my large, male brain-muscles around a myth that needs busting. So here it is: women hate nice guys.

Women hate nice guys?

That’s stupider than the Vagina Monologues. [Read more]