Man’s Real Best Friend
Have you ever made beer? Probably. Your answer is “probably” not necessarily because of the question, but because you’re a man and women have brow-beaten men into answering with ambiguity over the course of several millennia.
“Yeah. This is probably me standing here. Why are you asking?”
Because why the fuck would she be asking? Ambiguity is good Manjo. Next question. Have you ever thought about making beer?
“Yes” is the answer to that. An emphatic yes. That’s because at least once in his life, every man has looked down at a glass or a pail of tasty-delicious brew and thought to himself, ‘where does it all come from?’ Just like a woman does when she looks at her thighs. I’m not sure because I have no frame of reference, but I bet the seat belts in Barbie’s Dream Mustang do not have a notch for Thunder Thighs.
Beer is a man’s true best friend and his only viable life long companion. Dogs don’t live long enough and women are for men what salt is to a slug. Alluring, shriveling death incarnate. Like the sirens of Homer’s Odyssey or a crumpled ten dollar bill in the middle of the road.
That’s why men invented beer. The powers that be didn’t provide an equal to man so he devised his own. A monument to all things man. A counterpart birthed in his own glorious image that gives constantly and consistently without ever asking for recompense. Just like a man. Beer is man’s gift to himself.
Let’s look at the positives. Beer makes all your jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive (something ugly women can’t do themselves because they’re too busy being feminists or “lesbians”). Beer is also cool and refreshing and a good listener — you have to drink a lot of them for that one to kick in, but it’s true.
My point is that men make beer and men drink beer for reasons that are so pure and manly that they make me want to stop writing immediately and go chop down a tree with an axe while I’m listening to political talk radio and telling my wife or girlfriend that I’m not dancing tonight or ever.
But I digress.
The reason I bring this up at all is two fold. Firstly because today is National Beer Friday, which is always the first Friday of October; and the second is to point out that there is no analog of beer for women. Women have nothing that sums them up in a nutshell in the same way that men have beer because there is nothing to sum up. Women would like to say each one of them is a beautiful flower or better yet or porcelain vase (completely empty inside, but beautiful), but I’ve never seen a porcelain vase in the shape of a bowling ball.
If women did have a beer analog, it would be crossword puzzles. Just a bunch of unanswerable, non-sequitur questions about nothing arranged in no order and for no purpose. Plus you have to wait a week after answering to see if you fucked up.
Here I’ve got a crossword for you.
7 Down: A fourteen letter word for feminists.
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October 15th, 2005 at 11:45 am - IP Man-Hash: c45a5d2bc2203
Imagine if they had a unisex award at the Oscars. Well actually, it turns out they do. It’s called Best Director, and if you’re a man, it shouldn’t be hard to work out who won it.
http://www.pubquizhelp.34sp.com/ent/direct.html
And Dick, you make a good point; one of the few industries now days that hasn’t been bogged down with equality bullshit quotas is film/theatre.
October 15th, 2005 at 12:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
That’s what I’m saying, Woody. Great link. It’s telling that the film industry doesn’t give two shits about women because as men we all know the first rule of mass media: give the people what they want.
-Dick
July 27th, 2007 at 11:21 am - IP Man-Hash: a0d68c27c57c5
Not so fast, Woody.
The supermarket where I shop at 4 am [less crowded] has an all-male shelf-stock crew. According to the woman [!] who does the overnight baking, they’ve had women on the crew but they didn’t work out because either they weren’t fast/precise enough or because they “bitch at customers for taking things off shelves they’ve just stocked, if you can imagine THAT. “
October 7th, 2007 at 3:59 am - IP Man-Hash: a281a32be3004
Dan said -
“Again with this hate. I don’t know why all the women around here seem to think that Dick hates them. All he’s doing is keeping things in perspective for all those men who have been brainwashed over the decades to believe that women are somehow their intellectual or physical equals.”
Your a moron. You truly are. What kind of sane person actually thinks that the opposite sex is not equal to them?? Granted you might just be smarter then some women, but I can guarantee you, there are many women smarter then you. Just because you smarter then Sally, Jane and Sarah doesn’t mean that your smarter then all women, or even stronger.
October 7th, 2007 at 4:22 am - IP Man-Hash: 2e9b52f9da52f
That’s nice, cockmongler. Let’s see what that womanizer Alexander the Great has to say, or any other of the great men whose achievements have been overshadowed by the negligent offshoots of girls in the name of equality. Yes, he was a military genius, but he didn’t have tits and a vagina, so let’s just write him out of the history books.
And where do you come from with this ‘all men must be superior to all women in every conceivable way before men can be better than women’ shit? There’s going to be some effeminate tools out there who go out [male - the out gay] gay-bashing and inflate your egos just to get a peek at your braless tits. There will be a few women who become productive members of society. That does not change the fact that the male gender is superior to the female gender.
Now, as much as we enjoy your emotional little rantings, we’re going to have to ask you to leave. It’s time for man-talk, dearie.
October 7th, 2007 at 4:22 am - IP Man-Hash: 5556903c41ed8
Care for an arm wrestle, Clair?
October 7th, 2007 at 6:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 2e9f52b62c482
Fucking well said.
Btw, Clair, of coures we know that. What we are saying is, on average, men are better than women. There will be some weak men as there will be exceptionally capable women but all in all, men are better.
October 8th, 2007 at 1:15 am - IP Man-Hash: a281a32be3004
Doubt, seriously, you must be mentally handicapped if you truly believe that men are better then women. Scientifically prove to me that homosapien males cognitive process and function is superior to homosapien females. Then, and only then, will I believe your argument and side with you.
Mansman, no. I would not like to arm wrestle you.
Mansvoice, refer to my comment directed to Doubt.
Men and women have different brains, with different pro’s and cons, but neither is better then the other. Thus men can not be better then women. End of story.
October 8th, 2007 at 3:13 am - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
If a mans brain isn’t greater then how do it con women into servitude for centuries?
October 8th, 2007 at 4:49 am - IP Man-Hash: a281a32be3004
That my friend, has do with human social interaction. Not the dominance of the brain.
You see, mens brains are finely tuned into aggressive behaviour in order to climb the social scale, whereas women’s brains are finely tuned into the structure of the social system and how it functions. Hence the reason women, the less physically aggressive creature was held down for so long, however, being the SOCIALLY aggressive creature that women are, eminism came about and began to fight it.
October 8th, 2007 at 4:52 am - IP Man-Hash: a281a32be3004
feminism**
October 8th, 2007 at 5:01 am - IP Man-Hash: 6d3bb32787b07
@ Clair: You are correct to say that both genders use different areas of the brain. But when you say things like women are better in “multi tasking”, “communications” and all that blabber, we men dont buy it. Its bullshit. An all mans team easily beats an all womans team hands down in all those areas.
When I think of efficiency, class and skill, I think of manly teams like SWAT, SAS (Special forces in the army), top notch chefs teams (male’s teams) and management teams (think a group of men). Women are not in the same league as men. In fact, they are far far worst. Women suck as leaders, suck at driving and suck at ‘multi tasking’.
Btw, its redundant to bring up useless junk by ‘renowned’ feminist ‘doctors’. They love to bullshit women by making them feel useful/powerful. Its like making your pet dog feel good after it ’sits’ obediently. Wake up to reality - the signs are there. Men are better than women.
The reason why women were held down was because they were weak. Enough said. The weak serve the strong; thats why by virtue of your gender you serve. Even if you gain benefits in affirmative actions, you pay by serving your dues through whoring yourself out. Try not to take the literal meanings of ‘you’ - women love to do that. I am referring to women in general.
October 8th, 2007 at 5:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 1ac5c1024cd8f
Fight men? We gladly take on the challenge. Its like the Spartacus’s slave rebellion. It created a huge storm at the start. Everyone thought it was the next big thing. The same goes with feminism. Only this time, you dont have a man leading it so rest assured, victory is certain for the men.
October 8th, 2007 at 5:11 am - IP Man-Hash: a281a32be3004
Mansvoice, hmmm, it’s wrong to say that it’s wrong are better at multi-tasking?? Science says otherwise.
October 8th, 2007 at 5:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 2f854bed461cf
Science comes up with numerous hypothesis each day. Apparently, they are continually being modified and worked upon. Remember, olden day scientists thought that the sun revolved around the earth. Especially in a subject as this.
Women suck at multi tasking. Dont make me laugh.
I was Vice Head Prefect, President of Student Council and President of various clubs through my school years as well as a hockey player. When I worked with women, they sucked at handling work, managing work or doing work. Granted, they were creative and artistic but their ideas are often overly idealistic and very impractical.
No doubt, women were hardworking and would do the work assigned to them but I still have to hold them back because while they like to propose alot of things, most are not feasible or requiring way too much effort/budget/time.
October 9th, 2007 at 7:11 am - IP Man-Hash: b24fa70c8e643
…obviously because you would lose.
If you thought you could win, you’d be salivating at the prospect.
You just demonstrated that MABTW. End of story.
October 9th, 2007 at 7:17 am - IP Man-Hash: b24fa70c8e643
Don’t just say it…Provide a corroborating reference, or sit back down.
January 6th, 2008 at 8:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 557cf002c6a29
”beer is a man’s true best friend’
April 20th, 2008 at 5:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 00607ceedcd49
see woman like to associate their vagina’s with flowers, which is bullshit. 9 out of 10 flowers smell nice, in my experiance only 1 out of 10 vaginas may be clean without an unpleasant odor.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 43fafadb17f45
“7 Down: A fourteen letter word for feminists.”
But “Ubercunts” is a 9 letter word…