Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake
It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.
Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.
Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.
At least that’s what a new study says.
Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.
There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.
Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.
“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”
There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.
If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.
The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.
Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.
You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.
Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.
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January 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Well, Dick, first off you used a poor choice of words, “It’s true some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it”. I sincerely hope you did not mean “little girls”, because that is not the age you should be appreciating.
Secondly, as I assume this has been said multiple times, turning youth suffering into a defeat against women, especially suicides, well that is insensitive. Ha! As if that comes as a true surprise.
May I ask, why are you so against overweight women? You don’t need to like them, but you have no right to make fun of them. I realize this is humor, but to who?
January 24th, 2008 at 3:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: eeb32e3dc6874
Nobody would have a problem with women being overweight. That is if 90% of you weren’t as fat as fuck. The average woman today is built like the average 50 or 60 year old woman was years ago.
January 24th, 2008 at 3:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
@Mike
True, people have been becoming overweight more and more younger and younger, and with diet pills selling quickly and new diet fads becoming more popular, no one is truly becoming aware of how to keep themselves healthy. Such as my a woman my grandmother knows when I was having lunch with them, and when the son ordered vegetables, the mother asked if he would rather have fries. I was shocked to hear that, for I would want to instill healthy eating habits for when they are adults and am able to decide what they eat.
But there are young children who do have low self esteem, and
find this a very sensitive subject.
January 24th, 2008 at 3:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Young children? With low-self esteem?
They are fucking kids, and therefore, are not smart enough to know jack or shit. Teenagers? Yes, they don’t understand reality, the working world.
Adults? Low self-esteem is played by people who are unemployed, or unfortunate enough to be stupid enough to think the world revolves around them. The world doesn’t give a damn about self-esteem, it gives a shit about the next ditch being dug, and that highway over there being finished.
“Self-esteem” as a disease is purely an Adult Female thing.
“Pride” is a mans’ way of saying “I kick ass”.
We don’t do self-esteem, that is gay.
Insensitive is a way of saying “I have to make imaginary rules to somehow avoid defeat, again.”. Utter bullshit. Nice try though.
Women who are fat are typical of society and bullshit Feminism today.
It is OK according to them to be fat leeches, who do not try.
After all, it is easier to NOT try than actually go work on a dock somewhere and lose that weight right? You get fat because you DO NOT DO ANYTHING. You get UNFAT BY DOING PHYSICAL WORK.
In other words, women have now decided to justify being slobs, being stupid, and letting the TV and OPRAH think for them. Again, it is easier than actually doing the work yourself.
But since all women are massively vain, the other side of that crackhead quarter is a super-fit woman at the gym all the time trying to prove she is a man. She looks better than the fat gal, but is the same lousy lay, because after all, they are only the reverse Narcissists of that same fuckhead quarter.
Women who are fat do so, so everyone can see them. (Sympathy)
Women who are fit do so, so everyone can see them. (AWD)
If nobody saw or cared, would they still be either/or?
January 24th, 2008 at 3:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
The answer is: No. They would be normal, doing normal people shit.
January 24th, 2008 at 3:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
@King
I agree, there isn’t any truly good reason for being overweight if there are no medical issues involved. But that does not give anyone the right to laugh at them or judge them.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
When people do dumb shit that results in a self infliction, that automatically warrants laughter and ridicule. Sensitivity? Sorry, fuck that. They don’t need sensitivity, they need a physical trainer armed with a cattle prod. Now that I think about it, that would make “the biggest loser” actually worth watching.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
@Zardoz
I apologize if I don’t find the humiliation of others entertaining. If they are overweight, and fine with it, I see no issue unless it is life threatening, such as being morbidly obese.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: eae6840fabe35
All people judge others on their appearance. If you doubt it - good luck finding a job.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
@Danny
Agreed, we are judged constantly. Going to a job interview and looking like a slob, and being judged for simply being overweight are two different things.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Not for women. A fat woman is a stupid woman.
-Dick
January 24th, 2008 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Even women don’t take other fat women seriously. Why else do you think Oprah hit the treadmill?
January 24th, 2008 at 6:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Sorry kids, like “self-esteem”, being “non-judgemental” is a fantasy fairy tale. Right or wrong means jack or shit.
Real world. You get the Judgement. You pass or don’t.
That is life.
January 26th, 2008 at 10:45 am - IP Man-Hash: 704442c4e98b2
Shame on you.
January 30th, 2008 at 5:17 am - IP Man-Hash: a919075abef97
This is the best site in ever!
Dick your my rolemodel!
January 31st, 2008 at 2:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 541dbc81aeda1
ur a dumb idiot ! u cant say that she is like that and that, coz u dont know everybody in this fucking world, u dont know me, u dont know how i am or anything. and today i saw u ar dr.phil and u are just fucked up in your little head ! You cant say if a girl is fat thats because she have eat to much, or that if you have a nice body that thats wrong too, so what are we fucking wimen need to do to look normal, coz if we are normal than that is wrong for u .. what ever we do, u will think the same shit, if u have a girlfriend then i feel sorry for her, coz u are the biggest moron i have ever seen ! have u look at ur self ??? u couldent even take of ur fucking sun glasses on tv… why ? because you was afraid ??? you shold be a shame of ur selv u stupid motherfucker !
January 31st, 2008 at 2:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Uhhhhhhhh…….Camilla? Don’t forget that Valium is self-medicating, like Ritalin. Feel free to take either/or in large amounts.
I just remembered, Batman and Comissioner Gordon need you back at the Insane Asylum, seems they need to re-work that frontal lobotomy on you again………
January 31st, 2008 at 6:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
English? Coherence?
Stupidity at it’s finest.
Thanks for proving the website right. Yet again.
- Sgt. Reyes
February 1st, 2008 at 5:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8cd2275038b3c
And you need to learn to fucking spell.
I HATE it when people rape language like you do.
You’re a disgrace to the human race.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 78e68abcd23ad
“Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths. ”
That is so true…i only realized that after talking to my girlfriend who was having trouble with her self-esteem and making friends. I told her, if you’re losing so many friends, maybe it’s not them but it’s you. Look at yourself, see whats wrong and improve yourself!
But she doesn’t seem to listen.