A few days ago, I was struck with a chilly sensation that went directly from my balls to my brain. That sensation is called a manpiphany, and as a man I get these manpiphanies all the time. It’s like menopausal women and hot flashes. The only difference is someone still wants to fuck me.

Within a manpiphany is a universe of thought and invention. Manpiphanies are why men are closer than women to God. One day, I invented both fire and the wheel in separate manpiphanies. I doubled my Man Points. Lucky for me, some man had already invented them both several thousand years ago. I had lots of other shit to do and getting that job done myself would have been a caveman-sized pain in my ass.

My latest manpiphany told me that men are better than women at being coaches. Sports coaches, life coaches, coach drivers; you name it, if you can stick ‘coach’ in it, men are better than women. [Read more]

If I wrote a guide to life, it would like this:

Dick Masteron’s Guide to Life

1. Shut up.
2. Get the job done.

In the end, that’s why women are such failures. Step 1, shutting up, is an impossible hurdle for their overloaded female brains. Even if their grey matter wasn’t water-logged with puppies and posting cute actors on their fucking MySpace page, women still couldn’t shut the fuck up. They have far too many stupid things to say and a limited amount of years in which to say them. Women could quit even their lamest of day jobs and take pep pills until the Apocalypse, but they still wouldn’t have enough time to empty their heads of every dumb fuck thought that congealed between their ears.

Too bad.

Just like how even you as a man can’t count to 47 trillion. Even if you count really fast. At least I don’t think you can. That’s why men invented calculators. [Read more]

Women may have club-footed their way into science; they may have even tight-sweatered their way into politics; but where are the female used car salesmen?

Nowhere. Men are better than women. [Read more]

Has anyone ever put some serious man thought into the great trifuckta that is women and money.

They can’t make money.
They can’t keep money.
They can’t spend money.

So why the fuck do women work in banks anyway? Women don’t work as bouncers or as Secret Service agents.

I’ve decided to throw my mighty man brain at the issue. [Read more]

Men do everything one of two ways. We either do things as hard and as fast as possible, like a Corvette with Jimmy Page airbrushed onto the hood — awesome; or we do them not at all.

That’s why men are better than women at wearing jewelry. We don’t pussyfoot around things like a bunch of ladies. [Read more]

Women can’t drive.

Women can’t drive.

Women can’t drive.

Christ, I sound like a parrot — or worse. I nearly sound like a woman!

Not so fast. Like usual, I have a whole new trough of proof for your greedy man snouts. Proof that women can’t drive. And this proof is so man tight, I wouldn’t recommend wearing it as underpants because it will lower your sperm count. [Read more]

Like most things, an answering machine is one thing and not a lot of other things. Just like how a screwdriver is a driver for screws and not a pry-er of shit out of other shit. Or how a car is not a chair; get the fuck off of it. Women are brilliant innovators in that way. They can take something with one obvious purpose and use it for a stupid and wrong one.

An answering machine is one thing: a machine to take your messages while you are away on man business. It isn’t a personal mechanical priest or therapist. Women must think it is though with their ten minute fucking messages that have no point. [Read more]

The number of myths I’m about to bust is so great I don’t even know how to classify this article.

Except I do know how to classify this article. Men are better than women.

You know all the pretentious shit women pretend to pull off in their twenties and then continue to cling to like a fucking life preserver when they hit their thirties and no man will knock them up because they’re so fucking lame and also won’t ever shut their mouth? Men are better than women at that shit. [Read more]