Female Medics Are Deadly
Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that.
But you choose not to because an 80mph freeway battery shower would fuck up a lot of people’s lives.
Ten times out of ten, men make the choice to be a good person.
Ten times out of ten, Female EMT’s choose to endanger people’s lives.
Female EMT’s are deadly.
Before I get started on today’s topic, I want to post my inspiration. It comes in the form of fan mail.
“Dick, I work in a small town. Last week, a 180lbs. kid had a diabetic attack and the two female medics on call could not lift him to carry him down some stairs. They had to call the only cop on duty, myself, to help them carry this kid. It made me feel great to be able to help someone, but I thought about something. What happens when my dad who lives out of town has a serious heart attack and the only people who can help him are women? I won’t always be around to carry patients for the ambulance crew! I do my job and they should do theirs; and if they can’t, they should quit.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I can only say it shorter: Female Medics are Deadly!
When you cut off a finger or break your leg in half in a drunk driving accident, the people who climb out of an ambulance to hold your stupid ass back together on the way to the hospital are called Emergency Medical Technicians. They are the first line of offense against Death. And that’s your first clue that women shouldn’t be them. “Technician” may rhyme with “beautician”, but the two are very different jobs. One requires a brain, while the other is a bastardization of the term and requires nothing more than a high school degree, a failing marriage, and an ability to never shut the fuck up.
Perhaps the latter two are related?
Equality
If men are women are truly equal, then at best, a female medic is a male medic with the strength of a Muppet. And since a 180lbs diabetic coma can happen at any moment, maybe a Muppet isn’t the best thing to have wheeling stretchers and fucking oxygen tanks all around town.
Actually, Muppets are a perfect metaphor for women. Both need at least one man to keep them from being totally fucking useless.
Musical Chairs
The job force is a complex entity. It’s more complicated than pointing at someone and saying, “They’re getting paid! They must be needed!” Like some goddamn jackass. If you say shit like that, head up to Washington DC with a duffle bag full of cocaine for a weekend introductory course in Economics for the Retarded. Don’t worry about the tuition. Your tax dollars already paid for it.
Just because female EMT’s exist, doesn’t mean we need them. Women are never hired out of necessity. There are always men around to do the job. Just look at World War II. We needed the shit out of medics in World War II, but did any women have to step up to do their share? Fuck no. Women didn’t do shit during World War II because women can’t do shit. They couldn’t then and they can’t today.
In musical chairs, you can’t sit in a chair someone is already sitting in. That was the point.
Out of Town
There’s an old saying. People lie, but numbers don’t. And that’s what makes the numbers great. They can pile shit on women day and night without giving a fuck.
There’s another saying that’s not quite as popular. It goes, “When I’m having a heart-attack, I don’t give a fuck about diversity quotas.” It’s not as popular, but it’s just as true. When you’re in trouble, it doesn’t matter if only 1% of EMT’s are women. That 1% might fucking kill you.
Black, Chinese, French, Indian — I don’t care. As long as they think There Will Be Blood had a happy ending, I trust them to work a set of paddles.
Manclusion
The real reason women are hired for EMT’s or anything else is the same reason my bedroom wall has shoe prints all over it. Women are like broken smoke detectors at 3 in the morning. After ten seconds of their shit, you’ll do anything to shut them up.
If you know any girls who dream of saving lives one day by driving an ambulance, tell them they’ll save more lives by staying home. Feminism didn’t do this. Every woman who picked up a Grey’s Anatomy textbook did.
Kill the dream.
Related Articles:
Pages: « 2 [1] Show All
“As long as they think There Will Be Blood had a happy ending, I trust them to work a set of paddles.”
Fucking A. A woman couldn’t grasp why this is, even less why TWBB is an excellent movie.
Actually, I loved that film.
But I’d still make a shitty EMT.
Why did you love it?
She isn’t going to reply. She was just trying to look cool.
I did reply- it’s up there somewhere.
Thank the deities your writing has improved significantly Sushi.
When I completed my EMT training in 2000, I had aspirations of advancing to paramedic like my mother had. However, decided on nursing after the realization that I didn’t have the strength involved to be an effective paramedic. I am very capable of recognizing my own strengths and weaknesses. Not to mention the fact that I’d make significantly more money as a nurse. In California, EMT’s make $14/hr. Paramedics make $25/hr. I make $42/hr as a hospital nurse and $65/hr when I do consulting work for law firms.
I’m a damn good ER nurse and have worked emergency medicine for over 8 years. I’m smart and always on my game. I’ve been recognized on more than one occasion for my excellent critical thinking skills and have saved a physician or two by pointing out important things they miss (ask them, they’ll admit it). I am not a feminist and have never professed to superiority simply because I have the ovaries. I do however work with 5 absolutely stellar female paramedics. They are physically built different than I. They are stocky, yet feminine, and strong as a tractor. They are hard workers who have succeeded in a male dominated industry. Their male co-workers hold them in high esteem because they have stepped up to and passed the bar. So apparently you just haven’t met the right women medics, but I’m sure you can admit that no all male medics are infallable simply because they are men. I’ve met some real minimalists out there that I wouldn’t let transport my dog.
For the record, I agree (although I doubt anyone here cares) that when it’s your turn to face the “light,” so to speak, you won’t care what I look like or how strong I am. You’ll care that I’m quick on my feet, that I can anticipate what needs are next, and that I perform life-saving measures with stealth accuracy. That’s what makes me a great nurse, not the fact that I’m a woman, the fact that I have an extremely high work ethic and a track record that proves it.
I enjoyed the article very much. Plenty of great points. However, Dick, you seem to be making a lot more factual errors and typos in your writing than usual lately. Don’t slack on the proof reading and research, we’re counting on you.
Videos in relation to my views.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFxRkgPeQ7U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hxv0c2suoC0&feature=related
As usual, a brilliant article. Kill the dream, indeed.
Dick you have redeemed yourself from that shitty olympics post with a fantastic post, I am very proud of you. Delete that other post it was an embarrassment.
That last post was fuckin great. I don’t know why so many people hated it.
“Actually, Muppets are a perfect metaphor for women. Both need at least one man to keep them from being totally fucking useless.”
FUCKING HILARIOUS AND TRUE. All at the same time. You’re the man Dick.
Yeah. Like Miss Piggy doesn’t enjoy having a man’s hand up her dress! Not being able to haul 90pds. apiece as a team (of any kind or gender/adults) is a disgrace! I would have the entire staff/unit assessed for meeting physical criterion immediately. Around here, you don’t get in and stay if you can’t consistently lug the dummy, Dummy. You have to get it up the ladder and down it. Stairs, too. Guess they take life saving seriously.
Now, my sister is an EMT-she lives right by the toll road, so she’s First Responded on some gruesome accidents.
I’m serious, not being able to haul 90pds. is horrible. We can do that easy, easy…done that. We should take you for a ride sometime. :)
Dick’s right, feminism didn’t do this as feminism’s main goal is death and hurting people, not saving them.
During graduate training a massive debate broke-out on whether or not a female Psychologist should work with a violent male patient. The female student insisted and the male professor denied her. No one asked me my opinion back then. Kind of like now.
It’s incredibly selfish of someone to say “I know I can’t do this job properly, but I really want to do it, so I’m willing to put people at risk”. You don’t see Michael J. Fox driving an ambulance all over town, because he is a man, and a man’s got to know his limitations. Women have no concept of such a thing.
My sister’s dumb bitch of a friend wants to be an EMT. She’s about 5′ nothing, 90 pounds, and has some neurological disease that makes her exponentially more weak and useless than normal. If she were an EMT, people would die.