There’s nothing I love sticking to women more than a big slab of science.

Well almost nothing.

It’s every man’s dream to lead everything he does with a joke about his penis. Don’t be afraid to dream. It’s your birthright as a man.

Also, don’t be afraid to drink. As a man, drinking is not as harmful to your body and brain as it is to a woman. I question whether it’s even harmful at all. [Read more]

It’s not often that I, Dick Masterson, bestow an award like Father of the Year. In fact this is the only time I’ve ever done it. But who knows what the future holds. Submit your nominations for 2008 today!

Alec Baldwin, legendary for his roles in Beetlejuice and She’s Having a Baby, recently left a passionate voice mail for his 11 year old daughter. When I think of “father�? I think “passion�?. Do you know what a father’s role is? To protect a useless little girl from a world of horrible things. Without a father, who would beat off the hordes of horny boys young girls naturally attract?

Being a father is just like being in the movie The 300. That’s awesome. Way to go Dad’s. [Read more]

Women are leaving the profession of computing in record numbers. A recent study shows the percentage of women in engineering is down from 38% to 28% since 1985. I guess that’s why we call them “engineers” and not “politicians”. With no women around, they actually get things done.

Women suck at computers because they can’t evolve with technology and they don’t know a USB port from a hole in the ground, which they also don’t know from their ass. [Read more]

When a child grabs a hot plate or runs face first into a door, it’s your responsibility as an adult to tell them not to do such things. That’s why I’ve been telling women not to play sports for as long as I can remember. Not because watching women play sports is embarrassing and gross. And not because meeting female athletes is like going to the zoo that one time when the ostrich pen and the monkey pen were left open and all of them were running around getting drunk on Hooch.

Telling women not to play sports is my responsibility as an adult. [Read more]

Yesterday, I had the man pleasure of attending a taping of the Colbert Report staring Stephen Colbert. I have gone on record saying Stephen Colbert is among the top five manliest men alive, and just like anything I have said or ever will say, I stand by it.

Here’s something even manlier I didn’t know about the Colbert Report. It’s staffed almost entirely by men. [Read more]

It’s getting closer and closer to tax time. I can feel the day coming the way I feel the coming of a bumbling fuck up some woman is about to make at my expense. Like when you’re introducing a hot new lady friend to your man mates and she’s just dying to say something fucking stupid about her dog or her roommate who no one gives a shit about.

If your life is so full of problems, hypothetical house-fat roommate, why not try something different? Maybe cut the Fun Size Cool Ranch Doritos down to three packs a day.

This is the feel of the Bogeyman coming for my money. I don’t know what’s more precious to me, my money or my Man Points. [Read more]

Two things in life are inevitable: taxes and women’s fuckups.

Holy shit! What if they’re actually the same thing?

They are the same thing! Women invented taxes. [Read more]

Between jobs and drinking buddies, there are a lot of inane clutterings about the world men know little about. Sewing is one of them. Scrapbooking is another of these things. Scrapbooking is so womanly that I have banned myself from ever appearing in a scrapbook. Such a notion sickens me.

Life is meant to be lived, fellows and gentlemen. It’s not a science project. You don’t hit life with a noxious aerosol concoction of chlorine and formaldehyde and then mount it in a shadow box.

I am a man. I am the anti-scrapbook. [Read more]