Women wear lipstick and blush to simulate the increased blood flow in their faces during sex. They wear eye shadow so their eyes look bigger and their pupils more dilated — just like during sex. They wear necklaces to draw attention to their cleavage, which reminds men of the butt — sexually, and they grow their nails out to look easily rape-able.

What the fuck does a purse say about sex? I remembered to bring condoms?

Thanks for nothing. Condoms are stupid. [Read more]

If your shoes aren’t made of Lucite, stay the fuck out of my strip clubs.

All strip clubs are my strip clubs. I’m like that drunk guy in Braveheart.

It’s my island. [Read more]

Die Hard 4 comes out in exactly one week and I couldn’t be more excited.

I have been waiting nearly 20 years for this film. Die Hard 2 and 3 were a no-brainer as I saw it. “But would they make a 4? I thought after watching Alan Rickman fall a million feet to his death from the top of Nakatomi Tower in the Nakatomi Plaza.

“I fucking hope so, I thought next. “Each one of these motherfuckers is more perfect than the last. [Read more]

Women can’t hang picture frames for shit. One time, I was watching a woman hang a picture and she completely dropped it. The whole thing shattered and got glass everywhere.

Nice work, lady.

Men are better than women. [Read more]

Protecting the environment is a lot like changing your oil or cleaning a septic tank. If a man’s not in charge, everything’s going to get covered in shit.

But if a man’s not in charge, no one’s going to be there to say things are fucked anyway.

Man Zen.

Women will track mud straight up the fucking walls without batting an eye if they’re the ones doing it. You and I call that being a hypocrite. Women call it “letting their hair down”. I have a question. Where was all that hair when I wanted to see Ghost Rider on opening night? Was it stuck right up your ass? [Read more]

I have never yelled at a woman in anger. The only time I’ve yelled at a woman was when she was about to do something dangerous to herself or to something expensive. That’s almost the same thing anyway.

The world is not covered in safety rubber; nor is it a plastic ball pit for little kids to frolic and pee in. It’s a dangerous place full of sharks and wolves and funny bone-whackers, and women need to kept away from that stuff as urgently as possible so they don’t hurt themselves.

I yell at women all the fucking time. [Read more]

Feelings are good for you? Wrong.

The biggest reason men are better than women is men don’t have any feelings. Feelings are the indestructible sausage cable of shit that tether women to the ground. Feelings are the source of all womankind’s greatest fuckups and inadequacies and also the reason women hate children so much. But here comes something even more shocking.

Feelings kill you. [Read more]

Men are masters of terror. Men like Wes Craven and Stephen King.

Men are also better than women at terrorism.

Recently, a woman fucked up some terrorism so badly, she blew herself up in the middle of an empty street. That doesn’t surprise me. A woman once asked me if they always put fresh oil in during an oil change.

No, they buy some oil off eBay. Get a fucking clue. [Read more]