At a dog show, even third place is still a good specimen of dog. It might not be the best, but it’s a damn good dog. No one’s showing up at the Westminster Kennel Club with a dead monkey on a leash.

Third place at the Miss Teen USA pageant, however, is a mildly-functioning, retarded jackass.

I don’t know whether to criticize the Miss Teen USA pageant for this, or congratulate them on finding such an accurate ambassador for the female gender. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

The reason women gobble up Feng Shui, healing crystals, and all that other bullshit like pigs at a trough, is because their vaginas aren’t worth shit after the age of 26.

They need something to fill the gap.

Don’t believe me? When was the last time a woman over 26 didn’t lie to you about her age? [Read more]

This question was sent to me by Jordan:

My problem is inherently sexual. I am completely disgusted by American women. I am 22 years old, and I have spent the last three years avoiding sex because I refuse to allow these ugly American bitches to feel “pretty”, regardless of the benefit to me.

It’s driving me up the wall. I honestly feel that if I don’t get laid soon, I will kill myself. Any advice?

This Ask Dick question affected me deeply, as the loss of a man’s life is one of the biggest tragedies there is. Every time I see a bunch of women on television whining about some puppy mill that was just discovered in the trailer next door, it makes me want to throw a cinder block through the television.

Fuck puppies. Some man somewhere didn’t get laid today. That’s a tragedy. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Women think that they somehow own rape — as though rape itself were a wedding and no man could have an opinion about it.

Actually, that was more profound than I thought it was going to be. [Read more]

I was sent this question by Marco the Man.

I can’t think of a single late night female talk-show host. Why are most talk-show hosts men?

All late night talk-show hosts are men because people are trying to have sex during “late night”. There’s nothing that’s more unpleasant to hear during sex than a woman comedian laughing awkwardly at her own jokes, while a studio audience sits in silence, twiddling their funny-bones.

Sex is why Leno has higher ratings than Letterman. The presence of a black man in the bedroom (even on television) sends women into a frenetic sexual hysteria. Paul Schafer is not even a little bit black. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Child abuse is one of the most shepugnant acts of violence known to man. It’s wrong for the same reason it’s wrong to beat up crippled people. They can’t fight back. That’s also why it’s wrong for fat ladies to squeeze themselves into anything that couldn’t be packaged and resold as a tent. No one can fight that.

There should be no size 4, 6, or 8. If you can’t fit into a 2, cut a hole in the bottom of a trash bag and throw yourself away. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Volunteer charity work is for suckers and chumps and every woman who does it is both and then some.

Men who volunteer are geniuses. Volunteering is so much work, there’s barely any competition for all the retarded girls they’re about to nail. A dog shelter is my idea of heaven. Tons of hot and easy women lubing up their emotional sexacoasters by fucking around with abandoned puppies all day, and then putting those same cretins to death left and right because billionaires would rather have another yacht to sail around their private islands on than save a bunch of homeless shit-rats.

Fuck that’s manly. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.

Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.

For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends. [Read more]