World News

Trouble on the horizon, or girls gone wild?


Posted in World News on June 6th, 2007

Men are masters of terror. Men like Wes Craven and Stephen King.

Men are also better than women at terrorism.

Recently, a woman fucked up some terrorism so badly, she blew herself up in the middle of an empty street. That doesn’t surprise me. A woman once asked me if they always put fresh oil in during an oil change.

No, they buy some oil off eBay. Get a fucking clue. [Read more]

Women Ruining Television

Posted in World News on May 9th, 2007

Women queer every deal that they’re apart of and they watch shit for television.

That’s not me coming at you with a dose of truth. That’s 84-year-old, legendary BBC television presenter Sir Patrick Moore.

“I was in hospital once and I watched a whole episode of Eastenders. I suppose it’s true to life. But so is diarrhea — and I don’t want to see that on television” – Sir Patrick Moore

Neither do I, Sir Patrick. Unless it’s on House. [Read more]

Alec Baldwin: Father of the Year

Posted in World News on April 21st, 2007

It’s not often that I, Dick Masterson, bestow an award like Father of the Year. In fact this is the only time I’ve ever done it. But who knows what the future holds. Submit your nominations for 2008 today!

Alec Baldwin, legendary for his roles in Beetlejuice and She’s Having a Baby, recently left a passionate voice mail for his 11 year old daughter. When I think of “father�? I think “passion�?. Do you know what a father’s role is? To protect a useless little girl from a world of horrible things. Without a father, who would beat off the hordes of horny boys young girls naturally attract?

Being a father is just like being in the movie The 300. That’s awesome. Way to go Dad’s. [Read more]

Tennis Says Women Are Whores

Posted in World News on February 23rd, 2007

This year, Wimbledon will be offering the same prize monies for women that they do for men. This is a first for Wimbledon, but it isn’t a first for women and bitching their way into higher pay without providing shit extra.

That’s something women do every day.

In an article I read about it, so-called experts say Wimbledon is bowing to public pressure. That’s where they lost me. In order to create public pressure, doesn’t a person have to not have anything more important to do during the day, like a fucking job or any hobbies or anything like that?

How about raising a family? No, women certainly don’t do that. [Read more]

One Small Step For A Woman. One Giant Leap Backwards for Womankind.

Posted in World News on January 26th, 2007

I’m a man so naturally I can see right through politics. My eyeballs and my man-brain are like a super powered laser beam of knowing political shit and when that shit is up — especially when it’s up to some shit.

A lot of men have been criticizing Nancy Pelosi for being both the Lady-Speaker of the House in the USA and also a woman and therefore incompetent. To these men, I have this to say.

Come on, guys. You don’t think the men in charge of the USA aren’t up to something with that first Lady-Speaker shit, do you? That doesn’t sound like men. I’ll tell you right now that that shit is up to some shit. [Read more]

The Greatest Mother in America

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, World News on December 15th, 2006

Since when did women know how to take a stand?

They must be putting Man Juice in the water of Scottsdale, Arizona because a local woman is finally standing up for what she believes in. This woman is defiant like a man. She believes in shit like a man. And godammit she’s making a fuss about it. Manly.

Gardenia Zakrzewski Johansson is this December’s’s Honorary Man of the Month, and her message is: all women need to be immediately stripped of their children. Way to go, Gardenia. [Read more]

No Fat Chicks

Posted in World News on November 27th, 2006

A bunch of fatties got together recently and didn’t watch TV, didn’t throw back any pints, and didn’t injure their ACL’s in mantastic feats of weekend warriorism. What they did do was watch boring TV (most likely), talk about how much having “curves” defines them more than their shitty collection of porcelain cats (most definitely), and sweat gravy.

Yes that’s right, this bunch of porkers were women. Guess what they also did.

They invented the scholastic discipline of Fat Studies. What in the fuck? [Read more]

Women Have Lead For Brains

Posted in World News on November 13th, 2006

Recently a woman was shot six times in the head and none of the bullets penetrated her skull.

What a fucking surprise I said to the television who told me about it. The pen is supposedly mightier than the sword, right? If something as powerful as an idea can’t penetrate the invulnerable layer of a woman’s particle board skull, what makes anyone think a fucking bullet could?

Women are like cockroaches. Their stupid opinions could survive a nuclear holocaust. [Read more]