Men are better than women at looking up.

It’s true; and I don’t mean men are better than women at being optimistic or at setting pie in the sky goals for themselves. Everyone knows that already. If women were in charge of setting goals for themselves and humanity we’d all be sitting in trees flinging shit at each other.

Actually, it wouldn’t take much for today’s modern woman to resort to that. They already go to the bathroom in packs. [Read more]

Women have a real problem when it comes to speaking. The problem is that they do it. If women could just keep their fucking mouths shut, they wouldn’t get into any trouble in the first place.

Say goodbye to wife battery, say goodbye to mugging probably, say goodbye to violence against women in general.

Women can’t shut the fuck up though. But you can’t ever hear them either, so what the fuck? [Read more]

There has never been a good woman magician. Sure, women are important to magic, but that’s just like women are important to office work; they can wear short skirts.

Men are better than women at being showmen, but that doesn’t explain why there has never ever been a good woman magician. Surely Oprah could pop a trick or two out of her fat ass every once in a while. How about Ellen? Turning Anne Heche straight again was a pretty good trick wasn’t it? Or miracle. [Read more]

Do you know that women don’t use sizes for their clothing in the same way men do?

I just found this out and it’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Apparently, women are allergic to using inches to describe their fat asses. From the gender that brought you concealer, vanishing cream, and pants in the first place, why am I even surprised? [Read more]

Women like to argue.  They love it because it’s one of the few things in life where fucking up at it gets you more.

Take pies for example.  If you go into a restaurant and try to serve the waitresses a pie with your face they’re probably not going to serve you another one.

Arguing is different.  The less listening (women refer to this as “not talking”) you do, the more you get to do it.  For women it’s like a pint that’s got a treasure map to a free pint on the bottom.  Holy shit, I wonder if that’s patented. [Read more]

I made a rule with myself one summer when I was quite a bit younger. I won’t bore you with the story because it’s not all that funny or interesting and I’m a man and not a woman. Women will sit around all day and tell the most boring stories in the world back and forth like a pair of mimes playing ping pong.

Actually I take that back. A story implies some kind of a goddamn point. No woman has ever had one of those. [Read more]

Have you ever seen women’s eyebrows? I can sum them up in one word: fucking gross.

It’s hilarious that women will do everything short of sewing a giant, fuck-off, red A for “Attention Whore” on the clothing of women who get their breasts enhanced, but women can’t stop fucking with their eyebrows. It’s the same thing.

Oh wait it’s not. It’s the same thing except one is gross and one is gorgeous. [Read more]

There was a time when lawyers were not hated like vermin. Do you know what happened between then and now? Women joined the practice of law.

It’s completely true. Check your history books.

In 1970, women made up 10% of first-year law students. I suppose those were the “lesbians” of the day. Interestingly enough, lawyers weren’t hated in the 70’s. Remember Night Court? That show was full of lawyers and everyone loved it.

Today, women have bumble-fucked their way into 52 to 90% of law students and Guess what, everyone fucking hates lawyers. [Read more]