I’ve been saying it for years. Women are miserable. Today, science has finally caught up with my man-brilliance.

In a survey stretching over forty years, women are found to be increasingly unhappy when compared to their smarter and better counterparts: men. The entire disaster can be summed up in one quote from a female business school student.

“My mother’s life goals were to have a beautiful garden, a well-kept house, and well-adjusted children who did well in school. I sort of want all those things, too, but I also want to have a great career and have an impact on the broader world.”

Yea. And I want a chainsaw for a cock. [Read more]

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Child abuse is one of the most shepugnant acts of violence known to man. It’s wrong for the same reason it’s wrong to beat up crippled people. They can’t fight back. That’s also why it’s wrong for fat ladies to squeeze themselves into anything that couldn’t be packaged and resold as a tent. No one can fight that.

There should be no size 4, 6, or 8. If you can’t fit into a 2, cut a hole in the bottom of a trash bag and throw yourself away. [Read more]

Does science know for certain that women’s vaginas aren’t causing global warming?

I doubt it.

Think about it. Women’s vaginas smell ridiculous. That’s gotta be bad for the environment somehow. Until I read a study saying otherwise, that’s what I’m going with. It’s common sense. [Read more]

They’re both fat as shit.

I was just talking to a lady on the subject of lesbians and how their bodies look strange and Grimace-like, when I received a scientific study from a reader about the very same topic.

Scientifically speaking, men are better than women at being gay; and that means staying in a shape that doesn’t resemble a discarded peanut.

Also, do you know any famous gay women? I don’t think there are any. Martina Navratilova wasn’t famous for being gay. She was famous for looking like a donkey kicked her in the face. [Read more]

There’s nothing I love sticking to women more than a big slab of science.

Well almost nothing.

It’s every man’s dream to lead everything he does with a joke about his penis. Don’t be afraid to dream. It’s your birthright as a man.

Also, don’t be afraid to drink. As a man, drinking is not as harmful to your body and brain as it is to a woman. I question whether it’s even harmful at all. [Read more]

When a child grabs a hot plate or runs face first into a door, it’s your responsibility as an adult to tell them not to do such things. That’s why I’ve been telling women not to play sports for as long as I can remember. Not because watching women play sports is embarrassing and gross. And not because meeting female athletes is like going to the zoo that one time when the ostrich pen and the monkey pen were left open and all of them were running around getting drunk on Hooch.

Telling women not to play sports is my responsibility as an adult. [Read more]

There’s nothing I like to see more than women proving men are better than women. It’s such a joy because women do it with the same level of class, tact, and subtlety they use in everything: not a goddamn bit.

The ultimate question was put to women recently: would you rather work for a man or some type of she-devil who resembles your mother only in body and never in tenderness, usefulness, or grace?

Oh wait, there is something I like to see more than women proving men are better than women. Ten hot babes in bikinis. Awesome. [Read more]

Women caused the war in Iraq. It’s been plain as day to me for a while now — because of my mantuition, but I didn’t want to drop that particular bomb up the ass of feminism because I hadn’t yet acquired the proof.

Someone call the CO. The proof has been acquired.

Just like all other wars, women caused the war in Iraq. [Read more]